Random Channel Surfing

I'm currently in another one of those one-sided infatuations and it sucks. Honestly. It used to be that I used to live for the rush of liking unattainable people because it was nice to like them from afar. After all, liking someone from afar means that I'm safe; safe from rejection, safe from heartache, safe from forming actual attachments to them. I like safe. Safe is good. But now, for once in my life, I wish I could like someone who wants me too. For once, I'm wondering aloud, why can't I like someone who's single or someone I've exchanged more than a handful of awkward sentences with?  I'm bemoaning, why can't I notice someone who's non-famous or knows I exist? Why can't I why can't I? And yeah. I'm fairly self-aware and know that I hate admitting when I'm interested in dating someone. And I don't just mean admitting that I find a person attractive, or gathering the courage to ask them out for coffee, or plucking the s...

So the world's biggest boy band just lost one of its members: the very talented and hyper-handsome Zayn Malik (his voice is like buttah and I believe his face was sculpted by GOD), and all I can say is I hope people aren't being unkind to their many fans. I am not personally saddened by the news that they're one member short now, but I do empathize with their fans. After all, I remember the pain I keenly felt when Pat Pengelly left Bedouin Soundclash back in 2009. It was awful. I mean, most people know what it's like to have their favourite band split up or have a member leave a group. You go through a mourning period; you know the person isn't dead and you know you'll always have the previously recorded music to enjoy, but knowing they're no longer a part of that facet of your life is incomprehensible. Most recently, Death Cab for Cutie lost Chris Walla and it was very disappointing. Not Pat Pengelly leaving Bedouin Soundclash disappointing, but still sad...

Fine. I'll admit it: I didn't submit the essay on Sunday. However, I did start it. I also decided the order in which I'd present my information. I even set time aside to work on it on Sunday. But , I didn't submit it. And it's not because I didn't want to pay the submission fee--at least not entirely. The reason I didn't submit my essay is because I didn't like what I wrote. I didn't like the style or the flow or the subject matter or the structure or the syntax or the blah blah blah. I didn't like it and I felt embarrassed that I thought I would be able to win the essay writing competition when the essay I'd written was nowhere near good enough. And the thought of sharing what I'd written made me nervous and nauseous and I'm starting to realize that part of the reason why I don't submit anything that I write is because sharing my writing makes me anxious. Not to mention that, as of yesterday, I realized that posting anyt...

It's that time again... the time where I write down a list of the media I have to consume. Is it just me, or are my lists getting bigger? Television Shows -Firefly -Chuck -Parks and Rec (rest of it...) -Les Revenants -Veronica Mars -Some Girls (series 3 on) -Castle -Teen Wolf -The Newsroom* -Damages* -Call the Midwife (series 2 on) -Downton Abbey (series 3 on) -Vikings -Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt -House of Cards -The 100 -Walking Dead (season 4 on) -Game of Thrones (season 4 on) -Breaking Bad -Agent Carter -Gotham -Friday Night Lights (season 2 on) -Outlander -Marry Me -30 Rock Movies -Ruby Sparks* -Brief Interviews with Hideous Men -Thor -Hulk -Crazy Stupid Love -Friends with Benefits -No Strings Attached -The Giant Mechanical Man* -The Mist -Captain America: The Winter Soldier -Gone Girl -Birdman -Annie -Focus -Chappie -Horrible Bosses 2 *Stupid Chris Messina. Documentaries -Living on One Dollar

I'm finding more instances of circumstances where people think people are failures because they don't conform to societal expectations. And I'm finding that, by and large, I'm one of those failures. But I don't get it.  If I'm doing right by me, then how am I  the failure? What, because I'm not chasing the same things other people are, I'm less of a person?  I just want to tell so many people to fuck off. 

I promised Char that I would submit articles and pitches to magazines and literary journals. This was in 2013. Ask me how many submissions I sent out. Okay. How many submissions did you send out, Marcela? A big fat a-zero. Yep. I didn't submit any. And while I felt vaguely guilty for not following my dreams and letting down a friend who wants to see me succeed, the guilt wasn't enough to propel me into action. Awful. I know. But an opportunity has come up that is making it hard for me to stay in this whole apathetic state of mind; I think I've found the perfect opportunity to submit an creative non-fiction essay. And while I don't know what I should write this essay on, I'm excited that I'm confident about the fact I'm going to submit an essay to one of Canada's feminist magazines. I mean, there's no wishy-washiness; just complete confidence that I'm going to be proactive about my literary aspirations. And it's liberating.

Working at ILM has a lot of perks. My boss is really kindhearted and fair; my coworkers are all good friends; and we have Smoothie Days! (In addition to Appy Days and Cake Days!) Look at this glorious smoothie. Ah. Perfection in one glass.

Sure. It's superficial. I admit it's pretty judgey. But when a dude knows how and when to use "too" versus "to" or "two"; when he knows how and when to use "their", instead of "there" and "they're"; when he knows when to use "your" instead of "you're"; when he knows how to use the serial comma; and when he knows the right way to break the rules, it all just makes my attraction to him even stronger. Because people who know how to write, are hella sexy.

It's behind this awesome poster. 

And, it's off to a really happy and loved-up start! The following is a list of lovely, loving, wonderful things that happened today: 1) Woke up to:         -my parents singing happy birthday to me ('cause they're sweethearts) and         -a few texts from some of my night owl friends. 2) My older sister called while I was getting ready for work. 3) My father's brothers phoned me on my way to work. 4) Happy birthday tweet from Tracey! 5) Morning text from Janny! 6) Morning text from Nix! 7) Morning text from Nic! 8) Morning text from Clea! 9) Morning text from Anna! 10) Morning text from Zee, which included:         -us making plans to go for Bday drinks next week!  11) Morning text (and song!) from Elizabeth! 12) Morning text from Tasha! 13) Morning text from Ross! 14) Birthday phone call  from Ivan! 15) Birthday email from Aaron at work (he even found a cake online that has my name on ...

And it wasn't awful because it was nightmarish and terrifying. And it wasn't awful because I woke with a start after dreaming that I fell off a cliff or off my surfboard. It was awful because I keep remembering certain details of the dream; details that remind me that I'm still as insecure and terrified as I was four years ago ; details that remind me that I'm not as over someone as I thought I was (like I need the reminder... I really, really don't). I'm still infatuated and I don't know what to do. My dreams never used to relate to me, personally. I'd dream every night and wake up with the memory of other people living their lives--other people; people I'd never  even met. But when I became infatuated with this last man, my dreams were equally infatuated with him. I couldn't escape him and I didn't mind that. Until now, that is. I'm just so tired of fixating on people and never having these dreams materialize in real life. I'm...