Random Channel Surfing

Q: And realistically, what's the worst that could happen? A: My heart caves in on itself, collapsing from grief and disillusion, never to beat again.

I love eating by myself. I can be as loud -- slurping, gnashing, moaning -- as I want to be. I can be improper and unladylike and as gross as I see fit. I can devour a banana in two gargantuan bites. I can savour pudding for as long as I like. I can use utensils if I want to, forego them if I don't. All in my own company. No one to gawk or chuckle at my less-than-stellar table manners. No one to rush me, no one to make the usual "were you raised by wolves?" comments. Sweet silence, sweet solitude, sweet food. I love going for long walks by myself. I can people-watch -- imagine that two strangers fall in love under the city skyline -- to my heart's content. I can pop into shops and peruse new book titles, clothes, albums, etc. I can saunter on a lazy, glum-filled day. I can walk at my own fast pace on happy, loved-up days. All with only me for company. No one can tell me to "slow down" and that I "walk too fast for a short girl". No one ...

I've been toying with the idea of loneliness these last few months. How people can be fulfilled in almost every aspect of their lives, but still yearn and pine after an experience they've lost or someone they've never had. How people can obsess and pore over the potential they never saw through to the end or the memories they turn to every night before they fall asleep. It's part of the human experience, this loneliness. We are social creatures; we rely on other people; we are none of us an island. We feel loneliness so that we are pushed to connect with others around us. We feel loneliness so we can survive and to survive, we need other people. Every disaster movie has one common element: no one survives on their own. In every one of those movies, there's a channel of people who work together to kill the zombies, destroy the aliens, survive against the elements, make it out alive. We need to believe that we are never alone; that someone is always with us. We ar...

It's an awful realization when you realize that people don't always say what they mean. They may be the most honest person on the planet, but under some misguided attempt to not hurt you, they feed you lies, earnestly believing that they are shielding you from the reality of the situation. And with every poisonous lie you uncover, it's like a fresh puncture wound from a viper's sting. You feel weak, blind, and the poison of these lies courses through your veins; the pain spreading through your body with every thum-thump of your heart. It's an awful realization when you realize that people don't always speak from their hearts. They speak in morse code and you, untrained and ignorant, cannot read between the lines. You can't decipher the meaning behind their words; you blink in confusion with every syllable they utter; every beat, every syllable adding to your confusion. The cacophony of bee-beeps  overwhelming all other senses, overwhelming you until...