Random Channel Surfing

(I think.) Like a ghost or a memory, he's popped back into my life and I'm feeling so unsettled by his reappearance. I don't know what to make of my emotions. My stomach is unsettled, my heart won't stop racing, my head spins. Part of me is elated to know that he is doing well; that he's back in the city; that he's going to school. Part of me is terrified that even though he's reemerged, nothing I do can control what will happen between us. He can still choose not to reciprocate; he can still choose to vamoose out of my life like he did so long ago. (Please don't disappear again.) And it's funny to me because now that he's back and that I want him (and only him) and have my blinders on and my eyes are zeroing in on him (and only him), it's raining men. Men who want me and want to spend time with me (and only me) and I want him (and only him). But, of course, he does not want me, back. My stomach is unsettled. My heart won't stop r...

There's this guy. (Isn't this how most of my entries start?) And this guy is very cute in my opinion. And I've actually made a move on him. A move. I rarely make a move on men I find attractive because I like having the ball in my court. I loathe divulging my attraction because then it's this back-and-forth between the two of us where he makes a consequent move and then I counter that move and yes, I'm well aware that this is how relationships (be they platonic, professional, romantic, whatever) start, but I so prefer to live in the fantasy world where I place this man on a pedestal and he just remains blissfully unaware of my attraction to him. So I'm a coward. And while I take no pleasure in speaking this truth, it's a truth I know about myself. Some people are brazen and impulsive no matter the situation; I am rarely brazen and impulsive in any situation, but I'm especially cautious when it comes to relationships. Quite honestly, I need several shot...