Random Channel Surfing

I've been toying with the idea of loneliness these last few months. How people can be fulfilled in almost every aspect of their lives, but still yearn and pine after an experience they've lost or someone they've never had. How people can obsess and pore over the potential they never saw through to the end or the memories they turn to every night before they fall asleep. It's part of the human experience, this loneliness. We are social creatures; we rely on other people; we are none of us an island. We feel loneliness so that we are pushed to connect with others around us. We feel loneliness so we can survive and to survive, we need other people. Every disaster movie has one common element: no one survives on their own. In every one of those movies, there's a channel of people who work together to kill the zombies, destroy the aliens, survive against the elements, make it out alive. We need to believe that we are never alone; that someone is always with us. We ar...

I had a fight with my middle sister today. It wasn't so much a fight, but rather an instance in which a truth she told me -- a truth I'm aware of and repeat to myself on a nightly basis -- hurt. And isn't that the worst? Isn't knowing something -- a truth, a fact -- down to your bones one of the most soul-crushing things in the world?  The truth hurts because it shines a flashlight on a murky part of life, illuminating every dark crevice to show us the ugly creatures that are hell-bent on ruining our realities with their mere existence. The truth hurts and my sister spoke of this truth and boy.  It seared me. I repeat I already knew this truth. Have been aware of it for months. But to know a truth and to have someone else tell you that truth is another thing. Because having someone else voice this reality grounds it; gives it credence; validates it. Because having someone else voice this fact reinforces a certainty you wish you did not know. It's hard for me t...

Like, there's this movement that's been building since last summer where the more awkward and self-effacing you are, the more accepted you are by the majority. But I don't understand why people have to be self-effacing and prove how awkward they are to be accepted; I don't understand why we're encouraging one another to stay in our shells and avoid confronting our demons; I don't understand why we're settling for not going outside of our comfort zones. Insecure girls are not the smart ones. Being afraid and over-cautious does not make me smart. It does not make me a unicorn. What it does is prevent me from fulfilling my full potential and embracing all that I am. It prevents me from leading a fulfilling life. Insecure girls are not the ones who get the job or the boy or the friends. They're the ones who miss out. They're the ones who would rather slink into the shadows and hide , than prove to themselves that they're worthy. And I know that...

I spent the evening with Janis yesterday. She picked me up from work, drove me to her parent's so we could have dinner, and we went to a free comedy show at Yuk-Yuk's. It was a great evening between friends wherein I shared my desire for a romantic partner and bemoaned my inability to like the guys who like me as much as they like me. I'll admit that it was disheartening to hear from Janis that, oftentimes, guys like us more than we like them. (Like, what the hell,  universe?!) Anyway, what brought on this conversation was her father. I haven't seen Mr. and Mrs. B in a long time, so I got the usual grilling that concerned and sweet parents do when they see their child's longtime friend after a long time. And, of course, the dreaded "boys" question came up. "Don't you want a boy in your life? Trust me, you'll want one soon." Yeah. I know, Mr. B. I get. I'm living it. I do want a boy. Nay, I want a man . Maturity, confidence, se...

Trusting that things are going to work out -- having faith in your abilities (or others' abilities) to get where you want to be -- is hard. We're not inherently trusting creatures. It's in our nature to question and doubt and fear. It's what's helped shape us as people. But when you can open your arms and jump off that cliff? When you trust that everything will work out in the end? Well then that jump is the best thing you can do for yourself. And besides... even if you don't land in calm waters, things will be all right as long as you know how to swim.

Fuck, I'm so emo. I don't know what I'm going to do and it's debilitating. I feel lost and restless and terrified. Again. It was silly of me to think that my life would stay in a happy place; life is unpredictable and we can't control its stasis or its changes. And that's part of the magic, isn't it? But when you're clinging to the few things that are going well... you tend to forget that certain areas aren't totally perfect. You're content; thinking that all is well. So when life makes a sudden uwee and you're heading in the exact opposite direction, you can't help but feel abandoned. That's how I'm feeling right now.

Not yet, at least.

Ojala no me importara. Pero si me duele cuando no le importo a la gente. Ojala fuera asi de talentosa como otras. Pero estoy llena de ideas comunes. Ojala Ojala Ojala