Random Channel Surfing

The list keeps growing and I'm making nary a dent... Television Shows -My Mad Fat Diary (series three) -Firefly -Chuck -Parks and Rec -Les Revenants -Veronica Mars -Castle -Call the Midwife -Psych -House of Cards -Daredevil -Sense8 -The Walking Dead (seasons three to now ugh) -Leverage (season five) -Vikings -The 100 -Poldark -UnREAL -Girl Meets World -Game of Thrones (season three onward...) -Extant -iZombie -Superstore -Crazy Ex-Girlfriend -Fresh Off the Boat (season two) -Shameless (seasons four to now) -Gotham -You're the Worst (season two) Movies -Ruby Sparks -Thor -Hulk -Crazy Stupid Love -Friends with Benefits -No Strings Attached -Spy -Ant-Man -Jupiter Ascending -The Lovely Bones -Guardians of the Galaxy -You're Next -The Invitation

Lines of note: Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed  So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road

Now that I've compiled a list of all the tv shows and movies I need (yes, need ) to watch before the end of this year, I'm realizing that I should have had a stay-cation this year. Ah, regrets. Television Shows -My Mad Fat Diary (series three) -Firefly -Chuck -Parks and Rec -Les Revenants -Veronica Mars -Castle -Call the Midwife -Psych -House of Cards -Daredevil -Sense8 -The Walking Dead (seasons three to now ugh) -Leverage (season five) -Vikings -The 100 -Poldark -UnREAL -Girl Meets World -Game of Thrones (season three onward...) -Extant Movies -Ruby Sparks -Thor -Hulk -Crazy Stupid Love -Friends with Benefits -No Strings Attached -Spy -Ant-Man -Jupiter Ascending -The Lovely Bones -Guardians of the Galaxy -You're Next

It's that time again... the time where I write down a list of the media I have to consume. Is it just me, or are my lists getting bigger? Television Shows -Firefly -Chuck -Parks and Rec (rest of it...) -Les Revenants -Veronica Mars -Some Girls (series 3 on) -Castle -Teen Wolf -The Newsroom* -Damages* -Call the Midwife (series 2 on) -Downton Abbey (series 3 on) -Vikings -Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt -House of Cards -The 100 -Walking Dead (season 4 on) -Game of Thrones (season 4 on) -Breaking Bad -Agent Carter -Gotham -Friday Night Lights (season 2 on) -Outlander -Marry Me -30 Rock Movies -Ruby Sparks* -Brief Interviews with Hideous Men -Thor -Hulk -Crazy Stupid Love -Friends with Benefits -No Strings Attached -The Giant Mechanical Man* -The Mist -Captain America: The Winter Soldier -Gone Girl -Birdman -Annie -Focus -Chappie -Horrible Bosses 2 *Stupid Chris Messina. Documentaries -Living on One Dollar

 (A list for those times when I'm feeling weak in front of the person who wronged me. Why, yes. I am still angry and hurt. What gave that away?) -Bubbles -Grammar rules -Spelling rules -Whether or not Dumbledore deserves all the hero worship (Spoiler alert: He doesn't.) -Multiplication table -Disney movie synopses -Plan out your outgoing message for your voicemail -Kesha -Rihanna -Possible new hairstyles -Food -Past concerts -Future concerts -Past trips -Future trips -Favourite words -Exit strategy Don't ever , ever , ever ,  ever  think about them. Don't acknowledge their existence. Don't remember the happy times. Don't reminisce about how cute they are. Just... don't. Because when you do any of these things, you're sure to cry and that's never a good outcome.

Sometime year last year, I listed all the movies and tv shows I thought I needed to watch . It's been one year, and... WELP. I kind of suck at watching tv, I guess. I've crossed-out the ones I've watched and just look at how many of them I've yet to watch. I blame it on the fact that I keep re-watching the shows I like best over-and-over-and-over again... How can I be so unproductive when I'm trying to be unproductive? Television Shows -Orphan Black -Firefly -Chuck -Parks and Rec -The IT Crowd -Les Revenants -Veronica Mars -Sherlock -Some Girls -Castle -Teen Wolf -The Newsroom* -Damages* -Call the Midwife Movies -Ruby Sparks* -Brief Interviews with Hideous Men* -Devil* -Thor -Captain America -Hulk -Crazy Stupid Love -Friends with Benefits -No Strings Attached -The Giant Mechanical Man* *Stupid Chris Messina.

My dad always says that you have twice the number of problems if you get angry with someone. Problem one is that someone wronged you. Problem two is that you chose to get angry or upset with this person. For the most part, this piece of fatherly advice is easy to follow. But there are days -- my god there are days -- when anger is the only emotion I can feel after someone unintentionally or intentionally does something to cause me harm. And I don't know what's worse in these instances; would I rather someone harm me on purpose, or would it be easier if they did it without any intent to hurt me? No one on the planet is 100% pure goodness, or 100% pure evil. It's harder for some of us to be kind and tolerant and good sometimes, while it's some people's default. The same can be said about those of us who find it harder to be cranky and intolerant and mean -- no one is all faults and no good traits. And I think that's why it's hard for me to understand...

Promise me that this coming year will be a year of accomplishments and an abundance of happiness. Swear that you will be open and let love, in all its forms, into your life. That you will not cower in fear of the unknown, but will meet it head-on. Dear heart, please don't be a chicken. Don't play it safe. Don't lock people out. Don't jump to conclusions. Don't self-sabotage. Don't build castles in the sky. Don't put him on a pedestal. Don't read into anything. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't expect things to play out a certain way. Admit when you are happy. Admit when you feel loved-up. Admit to those secret dreams you say you're too cynical to want. Admit that certain aspects of your life are wanting. Admit that you have work to do. Admit that you are fallible. Admit that things don't always pan out the way we planned, and that's okay. That's okay. Dear heart, please accept things as they come. Please be braver. Pleas...

"When we numb [hard feelings], we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.” (Brené Brown)

Over the next two weeks, I'm going to be nicer to myself. And I don't mean the pampering and TLC kind of nice, but the actual act of being kind to  myself. It's sad to admit it, but I'm so quick to judge my actions; I feel embarrassed and frustrated and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders for every mistake, every misspeak, every stammer, every twitch, every situation that is out of my control. I am very understanding and compassionate when it comes to other people. I recognize their strengths and marvel at how clever they are and feel genuine awe at how great they are. When they make a mistake, I cheer them on in silence and I sympathize with their plight. It's easy for me to be caring towards others. However. When it's me who's making the mistake, or it's me who's floundering, I get overly critical and unkind. I think things about myself that I would never think about someone else. And, while I'm terrified of admitting this...

As much as I'm hurting over everything that happened this weekend, I now have a more concrete understanding of certain emotions and situations. And yeah, it's going to hurt for at least a little while longer, but it's another experience; it's another perspective on life. I have a better understanding of mannerisms and facial quirks and rough edges and body heat. Yeah. It's going to hurt. But every defining moment in life comes with a little pain. And, as Bob Marley wisely said: "Truth is, everybody's going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." It was short-lived and it was wonderful. It was bursts of energy and euphoria. It was tenderness and frankness. It was a shooting star; a rogue wave; an avalanche. So much -- too much -- and yet not enough. Not enough. But I'll live.

Three days. That's it. Just like Montreal. I'm a cliche, yes, but I'm a cliche with a timeline. And three days is enough for me to purge all this sadness. Three days is enough for me to get over it. Montreal will always be there My hope will always be there   Just because things didn't go the way I'd hoped, doesn't mean my life is over. I have to get back up and try again.  Try Try Again. 

And the truth will set you free (after the panic attacks stop).

(Listed in order of importance) Television Shows -Orphan Black -Firefly -Parks and Rec -The IT Crowd -Les Revenants -Veronica Mars -Sherlock -Some Girls -Castle -Teen Wolf -The Newsroom* -Damages* Movies -Ruby Sparks* -Brief Interviews with Hideous Men* -Devil* -Thor -Captain America -Hulk -Crazy Stupid Love -Friends with Benefits -No Strings Attached -The Giant Mechanical Man* *Stupid Chris Messina.

- The Fionavar Tapestry trilogy - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo  series - A Song of Ice and Fire series - Percy Jackson series - Matched -Cinder And basically the 40+ fiction and non-fiction books that are piled high in my room. Due: End of the year. ** Note: Do NOT  read the following ** Divergent  series City of Bones  series

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . God help me.

Spend time with the sis. Watch Girls with the sis. Update some writing stuffs for the sake of my well-being. Sit down to write a few things (note: Blog entries do not count.) Start  The Search . Play with my new (as yet unborn) baby niece, Juliana. Read my friend's amazing fiction. (HOPEFULLY) Get inspired by said fiction. *sigh* Read the GoT series and squeal about its awesomeness to Clea via email. Sit down and plan  The Novel . Watch Pitch Perfect on repeat. Watch Girls solo just 'cause.

It's always been a lost cause. You've always known that. It's why you've been guarded. Why you've been smart  (quite possibly the first and only time to date). So it's time to let go. Just. Let go. And you'll feel so much better once you do.