Random Channel Surfing

Ever since March, I keep getting this feeling that tells me I ought to be in Montreal. It feels genuine and serious. A premonition. And I will be honest and say that when the prospect of ending my job arose, I felt light and happy because something inside me thought, " Montreal ." Montreal is the dream, the ache, the lighthouse. It's been calling to me since 2008 and its siren call hasn't faded. In fact, it gets louder and louder with each passing day -- a fact that only terrifies me a little. Because... I could do it, you know. I could leave everything: family, friends, newfound dreams. I could leave it all behind and make a future for myself in Montreal. And there's nothing stopping me. Montréal. Je suis toujours amoureuse de toi. 

  I'm feeling nostalgic.  This time last year, I was in Montreal with these good-lookin' kids. These pictures were taken on (what I think) was the best day we had there.  We started with some breakfast at a bistro a few blocks from our "apparte"; got caught in a storm; went shopping at Ste.-Catherine (where I bought us girls friendship rings); got loaded off $2 hi-balls at the world's cheapest sports bar; got more liquor at the dépanneur, which proved to be quite a fun experience for the boys; drank at Place Jacques-Cartier (just like the locals do!); watched the boats at the Vieux Port; had poutine at Nix and my old stompin' grounds, Montreal Poutine; and kicked off what was, without a doubt, the best holiday I've had to date.  Montreal is amazing, but being there with my gang made it SO MUCH BETTER.

So I haven't written anything in a long while. Well, technically I have written some things; I've written texts, emails, tweets, tags, and the occasional re-written sentence at work, but I haven't written anything of real (artistic) significance since I left Montreal. I'll admit it: I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm melancholic. In short, I'm at another impasse in my life, one where the song "Should I Stay or Should I Go" is on loop. An impasse where so many conflicting emotions are at war--and frankly, I'm exhausted . I met with Char yesterday and I almost said, "my dreams are dying" when she asked how I felt post-Montreal. And yeah, I have a tendency to over-dramatize everything in my life, but I do feel that my changing -- sorry, evolving aspirations and dreams signals that something's wrong. It's awful and scary and I'm confused. I'm an...

I'm currently waiting to board my flight back to Edmonton. I'm comfortable; picked a prime spot right next to the phone/electronics charging station; I ate a large brunch with Janny and Wyatt just before coming to the airport; I feel like I did everything I had planned on doing on my trip. But I'm so so so sad. Leaving Montreal for the fourth time, you'd think I'd be ready for the heavy feeling in my heart, the prickling of tears in my eyes. This was an amazing trip, but I don't want to leave. I don't want to! And I feel a sense of loss and longing and dread right now that I attribute to the fact that every time I come to this city, I am forced to leave it.  And I'll be honest: after this last trip, I know I'd be extremely lonely in Montreal. This realization makes me equal parts frustrated and sad. Because I know that leaving Edmonton for Montreal will not be easy. I know that when I finally move here, I really would be all alone and fuck. ...

Tonight's the night before I fly out to Montreal with the girls and their fellas. Half of me is restless and anxious and fighting the hiccups, while the other is blissfully aware of how blessed I am to be going on this mini vacation. Seven days of mischief and laughter. Seven days of music and feasting. Seven days in the one other place on the planet where I truly feel at home. I can already smell the rain on the pavement and I can already imagine how wonderful our time there will be. How did I ever get so lucky?

Every time my friends bring up Osheaga and Montreal and our upcoming trip in August, I feel as though I'm in a dream. The fact that these lovely six people are willing to go on a trip that means so much to me fills me with awe; I'm so lucky that my friends want what I want. Granted we've wanted to take a big trip somewhere together since Jenn and Dave were first engaged and Janis was with Joe (this was eons ago, obviously), but we could never settle on where we would go. Jenn suggested Cuba or Mexico, or hey! How about the Dominican? But it wasn't until August of this year when I went out with Nicole, Rylan, Janis, and Wyatt and we decided that a trip to Montreal's Osheaga would be amazing  as a group trip that anything concrete was decided on. When we mentioned it to Jenn, she was a little hesitant because it's pricey... But now Jenn and Dave have flight vouchers from West-Jet, so their trip to Montreal might be covered! Huzzah! I still feel like I need to ...

I've made a list of cities I want to see next year. Montreal, Toronto, New York, Flores, Guatemala... I think it's doable, too. If I go see Mel in Ontario for my birthday in March, and I go to Montreal with the girls and guys in August, I could potentially go to New York after our stint in Montreal. Cut to October/November 2014, when a trip to see the old familia is doable. Yes. Yes. I quite like this plan o'mine.

Those were a complete stranger's parting words to me today. And while a part of me feels sheepish that I will tell anyone and everyone about my desire to move to Montreal, a larger (and more prominent) part of me knows that this woman's words were genuine and her wish was heartfelt. And that is enough to make my heart feel toasty.

These last few weeks have been cloudy, windy, and oftentimes rainy. Ideal weather for a heat-hater like me. So I've taken to listening to my "Rainy Weather" playlist on my iPod (aptly named Marcela's Mix - It's Raining! It's Pouring! Her heart is sooooaring! ) on constant loop. It has rainy day classics such as "Singin' In the Rain", "I'm Only Happy When It Rains", "Águas de Março", and some less-rain-heavy songs like Coconut Records' "West Coast" and Radiohead's "House of Cards"; songs that personally remind me of the gloomy weather for reasons. (For instance, I saw Radiohead live when I was in Montreal at Parc Jean Drapeau. It was an exterior venue and there was a torrential downpour all concert long; ideal setting for a rain-raver like me.) And the more I listen to this particular mix, the more I realize that I associate the rain and clouds and wind with Montreal. The more I realize that ...

I might have to cancel my trip to Montreal next month. And it's balls and I'm a little angry and just totally heartbroken. Thing is, Nix might not have enough money to join me in the M-Dot to see Foster the People and the Tokyo Police Club in June. I'm trying really hard to be a good friend, but I'm so upset that I might have to cancel my trip that I'm just feeling heartsick. Woe is me. WOE. WOE. //enddramaticflailing

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

How irresponsible would it be if I never come back from Montreal in June? Like, on a scale from one to ten, where one is "model daughter/friend/employee" and ten is "irresponsibly immature and self-centered"? 'Cause I can see myself "missing" my return flight home.

J'suis plus que pathétique. Demain, la célébrité que j'aime le plus au monde va être à Montréal. C'est à dire que deux des personnes plus beaux au monde (selon moi) vont être à la même ville. Merde.

Even though I'm over him, it still surprises me when I can remember all of the things I felt for him. The rush. The nerves. The unadulterated bliss I felt swell in my chest as soon as I saw him. Not even the knowledge of his political leanings saved my heart from falling. I hope he's doing well.

So 2011 is upon us and it's weird... I feel as though this year will be my LAST year to get all my loose ends tied and finally make my dreams come true. Guess the reason for this is quite obvious: my plans for moving to Montreal in 2012... NEXT FUCKING YEAR! Like... REALLY. Mont-fucking-réal! I can hardly wait...! I love that city more than is natural. And to live there? After years of wanting this more than any other dream... It's unreal. So this year, I'll be buckling down. Crossing those Ts and dotting those Is... Ensuring that nothing will detain me from reaching my dream. I can't wait!

I tend to be a homebody. I've had the same group of friends since I was 12 (same BEST friend since I was six). I am perceived as a bubbly, caring person. Most people don't realize that I'm shy until they see me around a cute boy (trufax and yes, very pathetic). But right now, seeing that all of my friends are moving out or are getting married or engaged, I feel very alone. Like everyone's crossed the finish line and I'm only on my first lap. It's tiring and I know it has everything to do with the fact that I'm going through yet another quarter-life crisis, but I really can't help it. Life is suffocating me and I need out. Only a few more thousand dollars to go and I can move to Montreal.

And I'm still not all that "wise." So what have I learned this past year in respect to the past, present, future, death, growth, my dreams and life in general? I've learned that I am even MORE romantic than I'd originally thought; that I dream big, but have my feet firmly on the ground; and that I spend more time reveling in the future and analyzing the past to really enjoy the present. My to-do list for the next year is to focus on the here and now. Enjoy being stuck in Deadmonton and keep my sights on Montreal. Sure, it won't be a while until I can move East, but I know I'll get there. As Paulo Coelho says in The Alchemist , "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." It's only a matter of being patient.

I am one of those *weird* individuals who cringe at the thought of change. You know the kind... they're content with the way things are and see change as an enemy intruder hell-bent on ruining everything. That was me until I "turned myself to face me." I have changed. I no longer see change as an adversary, but as a long-lost friend that I'm itching to see. Change, why don't you come visit me? I need you, Change. Crave you. Anticipate you. But needing and craving and anticipating this change are doing nothing. My life continues on this terribly mundane road and it will probably stay there for quite some time. How I wish I had the power to influence everything in my favour; that I could magically change my odds of finding a well-paying job in Montreal... Magically alter how I feel.  At least I can still dream... "And when your deepest thoughts are broken / Keep on dreaming boy 'cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die" ( Blind Melon ) He...

Though I lost my journal in Montreal this last visit, I can't help but look back at our sojourn with happiness. What's there to frown at?  Even the rain was inspiring in its incessant downpour. Even our trip to our nation's capital was memorable. My sister is brave; she is never worried about getting lost or stopping to ask for directions. I wish we had taken more family trips when I was younger, but looking back on my childhood, it was never possible. We were always busy with our own preoccupations. Even now I'm amazed that all of us (including my sister and her family in the US) are going to Guatemala for Christmas.  In any case, here are a few memories from my trip to my future home... It was an outdoor wedding and regrettably, it was not a good day for any sort of outdoor activity as it was raining all day.  The wedding was held at a place called "Au Pied de la Colline" and the place was magical... despite the rain, the skies cleared just as Laura arrived...

I saw Lyndsay today. It makes me happy knowing that we two (and I suspect that Krystina, too!) are working towards moving here eventually. Why oh why can't Tamara and I switch bank accounts?!?! I'd gladly take her $20'000... Though, she might have a problem with that...