Random Channel Surfing

What I hate most about my current state is that I feel like I can't do anything. Can't keep a friendship. Can't write what I want. Can't communicate. Can't make pretty things. Can't inspire those around me. Can't and, therefore, won't fulfill my dreams. It's a terrible state of being and I hate when I get like this. No amount of pushing and doing will give me confidence and will give me courage. I'm weakened and pathetic and I feel as though I should just throw in the towel already. How I wish I was stronger.

She was getting tired of the pitying looks; eyes pinched and lips drawn to form a frown. She hated that look; hated giving it, seeing it, but mostly, she hated receiving it. She didn't need their pity. Her sister had been dead for over four months now and she was doing better. It was easier getting up in the mornings and she no longer felt like the world was slowly closing in on her, collapsing over top of her. Life went on, she soon learned, whether she was all alone in the world or had her sister for company.

Usually, I dream of people I've seen once in my life. It's random stories not really belonging to me, and only sometimes, do I make a cameo appearance in my own dreams. It's always been this way. Once, I even watched Disney's The Jungle Book in its entirety as I slept. My dreams are just... random. There was a time in my youth when I was boy crazy; every boy, man, dude that crossed my path was carefully regarded and studied. I just really liked looking at them. As creepy as that sounds. So it follows that I would crush on several men in my lifetime. Feel the rush of seeing them, replaying our encounters like a never-ending loop. But I have fallen in love twice. A product, I'm sure, of my propensity for "boy craziness", combined with my annoying ability to form sentimental attachments to anyone who's open and earnest. And of those countless crushes and two men whom I've loved, I've only dreamed of one; but the sad thing is, my dreams unsettle me...

I've had an incredibly great day today. I've felt happy and full and thankful . The rain tends to do that to me. It's been raining all day and my smile has kept growing with every gust of wind, every drop of rain... Something about rainfall relaxes me. So while I'm incredibly annoyed at my brother-in-law, I can't deny that I'm happy. But, just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'll soon forget his words. Oh, boo.

J'suis plus que pathétique. Demain, la célébrité que j'aime le plus au monde va être à Montréal. C'est à dire que deux des personnes plus beaux au monde (selon moi) vont être à la même ville. Merde.

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