Random Channel Surfing

Every time my friends bring up Osheaga and Montreal and our upcoming trip in August, I feel as though I'm in a dream. The fact that these lovely six people are willing to go on a trip that means so much to me fills me with awe; I'm so lucky that my friends want what I want. Granted we've wanted to take a big trip somewhere together since Jenn and Dave were first engaged and Janis was with Joe (this was eons ago, obviously), but we could never settle on where we would go. Jenn suggested Cuba or Mexico, or hey! How about the Dominican? But it wasn't until August of this year when I went out with Nicole, Rylan, Janis, and Wyatt and we decided that a trip to Montreal's Osheaga would be amazing  as a group trip that anything concrete was decided on. When we mentioned it to Jenn, she was a little hesitant because it's pricey... But now Jenn and Dave have flight vouchers from West-Jet, so their trip to Montreal might be covered! Huzzah! I still feel like I need to ...

I'm having one of those. And I know that this song will be added to the never-ending list of songs I have a crush on because, odds are, I'll be listening to it for the remainder of the year. And, years from now, when I've overcome this tiny hurdle, this song will come on the radio and I'll remember this moment (and all those other moments) when this hurdle seemed insurmountable. Maybe then I'll be able to laugh at my predicament. Maybe then I'll find the romance in what I'm feeling. But for now all I can feel is shame and annoyance and, yeah, I'll admit it: desperation. Because feeling the way that I'm feeling now? It sucks. I guess the bright side is at least I know I'm not alone; someone has felt this exact way and poured all their frustration into their words. I can take comfort in the fact that at least one other person has felt these exact feelings, though I'm sure more than just we two have felt this way. And this knowledge makes th...

Admitting embarrassing parts of myself always leaves a chalky taste in my mouth.  Letting the words out is a struggle;  each syllable clings to the roof of my mouth like paste. I never know quite how to articulate my thoughts when I have to admit to those shameful bits of me. I never know where to start or where to end. It's why I often stay quiet. So when I meet someone I can share myself with, the words flow freely like water through a spile.  Each syllable tastes like honey; every thought is freed. I often confuse this sort of kinship, imagining that the person I'm sharing myself with feels the same. Imagine my surprise when I realize it was all in my head. Imagine the shame, the shock, the sheer frustration when I see the truth. And that's when the chalky aftertaste invades my mouth like rotten eggs. When I first tasted that chalky aftertaste was when I learned to keep those embarrassing parts to myself. No one is worth that awful flavour.

I've been thinking lately about how lucky I've been this year. (#blessed) Sure, I had my trying moments; there were times when I was so frustrated I could scream, but most of the year was good . And yeah, I had my fair share of heartaches and sadness, but the positives outweighed the negatives. I made new friends, I saw new parts of the world, I learned more about myself. Life gave me so many presents and I'm eternally grateful for 2013. But despite all that, I still want certain things before the year is through. I'm as selfish as they come and there's no denying that. And some of the items on my list are abstract, intangible things, but there are a slew of others that can be bought. Things like: -Pacific Rim -Beyoncé -HAIM -The Little Mermaid -The Rescuer's and The Rescuer's Down Under ('cause I'm a child) -Happy Endings (seasons one to three) I'm sure my family and friends will buy these things for me. But those intangible, abstr...

I don't trust my gut instincts. They've led me astray too often; have set me up for heartache one time too many. So whenever some little voice inside me urges me to do something, I remember the shame I felt when my instincts were so flawed. My pride comes to my defense and tells me to stay put; I don't need to follow my gut instincts. And those times when it seems like following my heart is a safe bet, I feel the sadness I felt when things fell through. I feel it as strongly as if it had happened yesterday. So when my fear approaches me and cautions me that I don't want to live through that sadness and anxiety again, I listen to it and do nothing. Who needs gut instincts when self-preservation always wins out?

I don't know what it is about Elvis, but whenever I'm having a particularly fantastic day, I'll play his music non-stop. Maybe it's the energy in his singing; it could be his pizzazz. Whatever it is, on days when I feel especially great, his music adds to that good feeling. Almost the exact opposite can be said about Death Cab for Cutie. Their music, while great in my opinion, usually reduces me to tears. I'm talking about their Plans album in particular. There's something inherently tragic about the tracks in that CD and I know I've listened to it on days I feel particularly sad and in need of a good cry. Now, when I'm in the mood for romance, nothing beats jazz music. When all I want to do is think about love and "happily ever after", jazz music puts me in a romantic frame of mind. From Nat King Cole and Tony Bennett, to Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday, I can't help but swoon when I hear them croon. On days when I'm feeling r...