Random Channel Surfing

I have a hard time accepting things as they happen. I have a tendency of overthinking and analyzing and fantasizing and assuming that I know the way things will play out. I don't; no one does. But I am introspective and that tendency of being so self-reflective makes it hard for me to let things unfold as they must. I love to be in control and I love to anticipate how things will pan out. I need to prepare myself--mentally, emotionally, physically--for any and all outcomes. Blame it on my penchant for being hyper-focused on reigning in my emotions; blame it on my fear of change; blame it on any number of things. But if there's one thing I've learned since last March, it's that, even when you have an inkling of what's about to happen, when it happens, you have no fucking clue how to handle it. No matter how much you prepare and how many permutations of the scenario you anticipate, the reality still knocks you upside the head, leaving you dizzy and vulnerable....

A lot of stuff is going down and it's going down fast. I'm flustered and angry and more than a little confused, but I know I'll get out of whatever hole I've created. After all, year 31 was the Year of Great Changes (it's what I'm calling it now... fucking 2017), so that should mean that year 32 will be easy-peasy. Right? 2018 has to be better. It just has to be. Why is being a human so hard?

2017 has been over for almost two months now and I can honestly say that I feel 1000000% better for it. 2018 seems to be a better year, but it's early days. Early days.

At least that's according to Greg. I hadn't seen him since late June (he's been busy with his play and I've been busy with finding work), so we met up for dinner and wine at The Common this past week. It was, as it usually is with this insightful dude, a really wonderful evening. He's a few years older than me, so he's been through similar situations with life, work, love--the whole kit and caboodle. He usually "gets" me (which is very fucking important in all my relationships). So, we sat down, ordered our food and wine and I brought him up to speed on my life. I gushed about my upcoming trip, I lamented my exit from the boutique, I explained to him the steps I'm taking to make my freelance career an actuality, and I explained to him how anxious I've been feeling. And, after confiding in him about all the bad shit that's happening in my life, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "This is your rock bottom." A part of m...

Me: "Julis, I miss you." Julis: "You miss me? You should come live here." Maybe I should  leave Edmonton.

Q: And realistically, what's the worst that could happen? A: My heart caves in on itself, collapsing from grief and disillusion, never to beat again.

Years from now, when I realize how silly and petty some of the thoughts I have really are, I will realize how foolish and unnecessary the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach really is. Because right now, this anxious, restless feeling that pervades my every thought is a constant critic and its white noise is set on a frequency I can pick up if I listen hard enough. It's telling me how stupid and foolish I am. It's reminding me of every embarrassing, shameful moment to date. It's making my life incredibly hard to enjoy. And, real talk: I don't think I've cried this much in ages. And part of me understands that this has to do with loss and grief and the fact I'm grieving the loss of the community of wonderful people I had at my old job. I didn't think making a career change would feel so... Confusing. I know I made the right choice; staying there would have meant not chasing my dreams or making an effort to change my life. When I realized that the o...