in my solitude: a series of musings

I love eating by myself.

I can be as loud -- slurping, gnashing, moaning -- as I want to be. I can be improper and unladylike and as gross as I see fit. I can devour a banana in two gargantuan bites. I can savour pudding for as long as I like. I can use utensils if I want to, forego them if I don't. All in my own company.

No one to gawk or chuckle at my less-than-stellar table manners. No one to rush me, no one to make the usual "were you raised by wolves?" comments.

Sweet silence, sweet solitude, sweet food.

I love going for long walks by myself.

I can people-watch -- imagine that two strangers fall in love under the city skyline -- to my heart's content. I can pop into shops and peruse new book titles, clothes, albums, etc. I can saunter on a lazy, glum-filled day. I can walk at my own fast pace on happy, loved-up days. All with only me for company.

No one can tell me to "slow down" and that I "walk too fast for a short girl". No one to interrupt the elaborate stories I weave in my mind.

It's just me, myself, and I.

I love being alone in my own space -- my room my living room mine -- doing what I want to do. I can nap or read or write or watch a movie or tv show. I can opt to do the laundry, or ignore it for another day. I can sleep all day and stay awake all night. I can do as I please without having anyone there to judge me.

No one to persist that I have to clean house, or that I should do something "productive". No one to decide what I do with my time.

I love my solitude and I love myself best when I'm alone.

I don't feel strange or self-conscious when I have only myself for company. I relish those moments of total solitude. Moments when I don't have to watch what I do or how I act are the moments I feel most myself. And I do worry that if a time comes when I fall in love, that I will prefer being with him over being alone and that... well that terrifies me. I've never been fully committed to anyone other than myself and I wonder what eating with someone on a daily basis will do to me. I've never had anyone want to spend every free moment of their time with me and I wonder what walking alongside them will change about me. I've never had someone completely invade my space with their presence and their energy and them and I wonder how I will cope with that.

I love being alone. But I'm starting to wonder.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Wow.

My mind's really weird. I'll think one thing one minute, and the next it's as if there's a total stranger wandering around in my brain. I've heard we're all a bit like that. Weird, non? That's why I've decided to keep this blog. We're all weird. So if you can't shut your brain off at night, or you're just as confused by yourself as I am by me (if that makes any sense!), I welcome you to read on and tell me off, agree with me, whatevs. CIAO!
Read more

Perspective on my emotional hide and seek.

Most years we quietly celebrate Jenn's birthday; it's just us seven, we have some dinner, and then we go home. For her birthday this year, she asked one of her fellow nurses, Milly, to read our handwriting and interpret our personalities. Milly's interpretation of me was not that far off-base; she inferred that I'm reserved, prideful, loyal, hard-working, stubborn, and creative --- but she also told me that I can come off as "cold". Now, it's interesting to me that what stuck with me most is the fact she called me cold. Not the fact she correctly guessed that I like to feel people out before baring my thoughts to them. Not the fact she told me I'm creative, but am wasting my talents. Nope. What affected me most about her reading is that I can come off as cold to certain people. I've been called so many things in my life (haven't we all?), but the things I've been called in the past have always had a more... well, a positive spin. I...
Read more

Sometimes, like the times he does something surprisingly sweet, I think I'm falling for him.

But then I remember that I fall fast and hard like a rock you'd throw into the water, quickly sinking deeper and deeper. I remember that falling never, ever creeps up on me all of the sudden. I remember that I know - without a sliver of doubt - when I've fallen as soon as it happens, but can never see it coming. I remember that I can't stop it from happening and it literally leaves me short of breath like those times someone jumps out of corners to scare me. The feeling is exhilarating and frightening and, yes, even addictive. When I remember how I fall, I know I'm not falling in love and I can breathe a bit easier. Because falling in love has never been a positive experience. It's always ended and it's always hurt and it's always meant months and months and months and months of hurt.
Read more