Random Channel Surfing

Now that the new year is more than a week old, I feel that I need to document the promises I plan to keep to myself this year. These aren't resolutions per se; they're more like vows I'm committing to because I'm terrified I'm going to have a relapse of sorts, and something about 2015 tells me that this is going to be my year. After all, 2013 was all about experimentation and personal growth and 2014 was all about learning. What I hope is that the promises I list here, will help me commit those experiences, that maturity, and those lessons I learned to memory. These promises I make to myself. Stop calling myself mean names. Stop fixating on any one person, place, or thing. Live outside my own head. Do things because I want to do them, not because I feel I have to. Be open to new experiences, people, places, and things. Renounce self-sabotage. Be brutally honest about the things I want. Keep the promises I make to myself. Practice self-love. Write unt...

My sisters are both here for the holidays. So is Connie. And my beautifully adorable niece Juliana. But we're missing Patrick, Claire, and Brad and, to be honest, we can feel their absence. These holidays have been incredible, though! I've spent a ridiculous amount of time with my family and I've been able to snooze as much as I want. It's all felt so  good . I'm feeling energized and happy and I just know that 2015 will be worthwhile in that naively innocent way I feel when I'm at the cusp of finishing something big. And for the first time in months, after arguing with my mom and Mel about the varied reasons I felt the way that I do and after having Tasha reassure me that the way I felt isn't criminal or wrong, I'm hopeful . I'm not angry or frustrated or confused, but hopeful to the point of delusion! And it's wonderful. When I visited Mel in October, I was content in my self-righteous anger, basking in it and breathing it all in. But e...

When we were in high school, Nicole and I were pretty obsessed with a Canadian band called Swollen Members. Now, one would think, "How is it that these two angelic girls would like a band with such a salacious name?" And the answer is simple, really. Nicole and I were hooked on their hit "Fuel Injected". Like, we were pretty much rapping geniuses whenever we rocked out to the song. And we were committed fans. Like, we went to autograph signings and begged our parents to let us stay out way past our curfews whenever they rolled through town (because Swollen Members concerts never end at a reasonable time. No, Nicole and I -- underage and virginal and innocent -- would stumble out of Red's at 4:00 AM or later on nights we'd go to a Swollen Members concert. And the reason for our stumbling? Second-hand weed inhalation. I kid you not. That shit was strong .) Anyway, the last time Nicole and I went to a Swollen concert was back in 2004, but tonight we are goi...

So I've decided that I'm not going to Guatemala this year. I know I hadn't announced it on here, but for my own sake, I am doing it now. And there's several reasons why going now wouldn't be a good thing for me: I want to buy my own place, so I want to save up; I want to take shorter trips to visit family and friends; I wanted to go to Guatemala for an extended period and I hadn't really made any plans to go this year; and, most importantly, going back to Guatemala could lead to a relapse of my eating fears. Let's face it, as much as I love my family, they're wont to make comments on my body and size and it's often led to me doing one of two things: I binge-eat and gain weight or I stop eating. Ever since December 2012, I've had this fear that I'm slowly reverting back to my anorexia and my fluctuating weight is a good indicator. Since 2012, I've lost 20 pounds and some people have noticed. I've noticed, too, because thoughts ...

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 (A list for those times when I'm feeling weak in front of the person who wronged me. Why, yes. I am still angry and hurt. What gave that away?) -Bubbles -Grammar rules -Spelling rules -Whether or not Dumbledore deserves all the hero worship (Spoiler alert: He doesn't.) -Multiplication table -Disney movie synopses -Plan out your outgoing message for your voicemail -Kesha -Rihanna -Possible new hairstyles -Food -Past concerts -Future concerts -Past trips -Future trips -Favourite words -Exit strategy Don't ever , ever , ever ,  ever  think about them. Don't acknowledge their existence. Don't remember the happy times. Don't reminisce about how cute they are. Just... don't. Because when you do any of these things, you're sure to cry and that's never a good outcome.

At the risk of sounding like a person who's miserable and surly all the time, I have to say that I am in the most happiest of happy good moods. Little things that usually crawl and fester under my skin -- mistyping a word ("teh" is a common one for me), or chipping my nail polish -- make me giggle. I laugh at every little thing. It is impossible to irritate me today. Again, I am not a miserable or surly person. I'm usually in a pretty good (to mild) mood. But today... oh my gosh. Today, I feel a happiness from within me that's radiating out from my smile and infecting everyone around me. I'm excited. I'm smiley. I'm dancing in my chair! This is the kind of happiness I really feel only on rainy days or when I know something incredible is going to happen to me (the day of a party or when I know that I have plans with someone I really like). And it's not a matter of me questioning the good fortune of being this ecstatic on a day like today, but ...