Again.

My attraction to yet another male has blossomed into a full-blown crush. And, as it is always wont to happen: He fell out of like with me and is now avoiding me at all costs.

So what did I--a soon-to-be thirty-year-old--do? Well, I got very lovesick and consequently confused my nausea and panic with a stomach bug. 

Let that sink in. 

Seriously. I'm so frustrated and so goddamn sad. I built four different castles in the sky with this guy and now all I feel is empty. Empty and restless. Again. 

I've already performed most of my ritual for getting over someone; although the playlist I created was more of a "I have such a huge crush on a guy who is both cute and tall and makes me wanna jump his bones" than a "We could have had it all, motherfucker, but you decided I was lame and boring" playlist.

I'm ahead of schedule with this guy, though. I skipped over denial (the step where I deny the fact I am developing feelings for a person--this step lasts a few weeks) and only dwelled on "but he's slightly problematic" (the step I linger on when denying my feelings is no longer possible) for a few short days. This crush developed quickly and steadily and I'm embarrassed to admit the reason for it was both because he's hella-attractive to me (both physically and mentally) and because I just want somebody in my life. Especially on my birthday month eve. 

I was so, so close and now it's over with a single whimper. It didn't even fizzle like all the rest. And yet a naive and hopeful part of me is so convinced that he'll reach out to me again and I don't know where that conviction is coming from. Sure, he texted me every day and our conversations were so long and wonderful and he told me on several occasions how attracted he was to me, but... when all you get is dead air, how can you keep convincing yourself it's not over?

This isn't the first time I'm weirdly hopeful that things will have a different outcome. But, it's always the same pattern. Again. And again. And again. There's only so much blind hope can delude you into thinking.

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