So, I think I'm evolving?
'Cause I have a crush on someone new.
It's stupid 'cause we've never even met in person, but there's something really genuine about him. We'd made plans to meet tonight, but he was called out to work out in east-central Alberta for the next 21 days, so he cancelled on Monday. We text tonight for a little bit and I'm floored by how much I giggle and melt at the things he says. And no, he's not overly sentimental or romantic; I'm not fawning over sweet-nothings. What I am fawning over is how genuine and kind and thoughtful he is; he strikes me as a true gentleman and, as clichéd as it sounds, it's made me like him even more.
And what I'm learning now is that I'm no longer fixating when I get a crush. I'm learning to temper my expectations (somewhat) and to accept things as they happen. I'm no longer obsessing over the fact a boy doesn't like me and I'm learning -- slowly (but surely) -- that it's perfectly fine for me to initiate contact. That it doesn't always have to be the man who makes the first move. And that's probably more due to the fact that things with him feel equal. I know he's as interested as I am; I know he's not as invested in something longterm as I am. We're both going into whatever this is on an even keel. An even keel and an open mind. And maybe the fact we haven't met in person is a contributing factor to this comfort. Could be. Whatever it is, I feel... all right.
But that's not to say that things have been smooth sailing. God. No. Never. I think it's hard for me to deal with normalcy (that's not a harsh sentiment, is it? I'm still trying to be kind to myself...). After all, on Monday when we were texting and he started to hint at whatever-we-have evolving into something deeper, I was thisclose to telling him I was no longer interested and promptly blocking his number. I talked myself down from that, though, but the impulse was there. I literally had to wrestle with that flaming, obnoxious ball of unrest as it settled (quite comfortably and with ease, I might add) in the pit of my stomach. But I did wrestle with it and I did vanquish it and we continued to have a nice chat.
But my fear of intimacy wasn't the only hindrance that day. Oh no. I was also dealing with another man at the same time and, while I admit that he's sweet and friendly and lonely (read: a cocktail of my ideal dude har har), his approach to me has me on edge. I'm nervous and uncomfortable and, yes, even a little annoyed whenever he reaches out to me. Not to mention, I've already met him and, while I think he's cute and attractive (and smells nice to boot!), his constant communication with me is wearing on me. That and he's said some off-colour things that have made me cringe. And it's annoying because on Monday, I was confused on one hand over my fear of intimacy and was battling with my annoyance and discomfort brought on by this second man. And those two awful and real feelings took away a little of my personal enjoyment that I had found and were instead contributing to my feelings of unease.
So no. It hasn't been smooth sailing.
And just today, I was dealing with the two aforementioned men and another at the same time! Now, let me rewind a bit here. This other man is HOT. And when we started talking, I found him to be charming and funny and exciting. He was very enthusiastic about me and was full-steam ahead and, well, to be perfectly honest, he reminded me of an ex-crush. So I never saw his pursuit of me as something threatening; I always romanticized our interactions a little bit in my head. But tonight, in complete contrast to the sweet and flirtatious conversation I was having with the first man, and the stilted conversation I was having with the second, this third man was aggressive and, well, gross. I don't want to get into the details of our final interaction, but let's just say that at least one good thing came out of the embarrassing interaction: I've learned how to say "no" to a guy. And not just in situations where I'm turning them down for a second date or whatever. And not in a situation where I'm panicking and suffocating and extremely fearful of whatever-it-is-we're-heading-towards. No. I've really and truly learned to identify when I'm uncomfortable and no longer want to engage with a man. A man I find attractive. A man I liked.
And it's a rejuvenating feeling.
It's stupid 'cause we've never even met in person, but there's something really genuine about him. We'd made plans to meet tonight, but he was called out to work out in east-central Alberta for the next 21 days, so he cancelled on Monday. We text tonight for a little bit and I'm floored by how much I giggle and melt at the things he says. And no, he's not overly sentimental or romantic; I'm not fawning over sweet-nothings. What I am fawning over is how genuine and kind and thoughtful he is; he strikes me as a true gentleman and, as clichéd as it sounds, it's made me like him even more.
And what I'm learning now is that I'm no longer fixating when I get a crush. I'm learning to temper my expectations (somewhat) and to accept things as they happen. I'm no longer obsessing over the fact a boy doesn't like me and I'm learning -- slowly (but surely) -- that it's perfectly fine for me to initiate contact. That it doesn't always have to be the man who makes the first move. And that's probably more due to the fact that things with him feel equal. I know he's as interested as I am; I know he's not as invested in something longterm as I am. We're both going into whatever this is on an even keel. An even keel and an open mind. And maybe the fact we haven't met in person is a contributing factor to this comfort. Could be. Whatever it is, I feel... all right.
But that's not to say that things have been smooth sailing. God. No. Never. I think it's hard for me to deal with normalcy (that's not a harsh sentiment, is it? I'm still trying to be kind to myself...). After all, on Monday when we were texting and he started to hint at whatever-we-have evolving into something deeper, I was thisclose to telling him I was no longer interested and promptly blocking his number. I talked myself down from that, though, but the impulse was there. I literally had to wrestle with that flaming, obnoxious ball of unrest as it settled (quite comfortably and with ease, I might add) in the pit of my stomach. But I did wrestle with it and I did vanquish it and we continued to have a nice chat.
But my fear of intimacy wasn't the only hindrance that day. Oh no. I was also dealing with another man at the same time and, while I admit that he's sweet and friendly and lonely (read: a cocktail of my ideal dude har har), his approach to me has me on edge. I'm nervous and uncomfortable and, yes, even a little annoyed whenever he reaches out to me. Not to mention, I've already met him and, while I think he's cute and attractive (and smells nice to boot!), his constant communication with me is wearing on me. That and he's said some off-colour things that have made me cringe. And it's annoying because on Monday, I was confused on one hand over my fear of intimacy and was battling with my annoyance and discomfort brought on by this second man. And those two awful and real feelings took away a little of my personal enjoyment that I had found and were instead contributing to my feelings of unease.
So no. It hasn't been smooth sailing.
And just today, I was dealing with the two aforementioned men and another at the same time! Now, let me rewind a bit here. This other man is HOT. And when we started talking, I found him to be charming and funny and exciting. He was very enthusiastic about me and was full-steam ahead and, well, to be perfectly honest, he reminded me of an ex-crush. So I never saw his pursuit of me as something threatening; I always romanticized our interactions a little bit in my head. But tonight, in complete contrast to the sweet and flirtatious conversation I was having with the first man, and the stilted conversation I was having with the second, this third man was aggressive and, well, gross. I don't want to get into the details of our final interaction, but let's just say that at least one good thing came out of the embarrassing interaction: I've learned how to say "no" to a guy. And not just in situations where I'm turning them down for a second date or whatever. And not in a situation where I'm panicking and suffocating and extremely fearful of whatever-it-is-we're-heading-towards. No. I've really and truly learned to identify when I'm uncomfortable and no longer want to engage with a man. A man I find attractive. A man I liked.
And it's a rejuvenating feeling.
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