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Hello, Internet!
It's been a hot minute, has it not? The last time I wrote was in May. May: The month everything changed. I left my job, I started job hunting, I decided to go back to school, I decided to quit dating, I had a month-long panic attack that resulted in extreme vertigo, and I decided to actively pursue a career in writing.
See? A lot of changes.
Also: Nicole and Rylan are moving to Germany for two years while she gets her Masters.
Yeah. I kept that to myself. Not for any specific reason, but more because I haven't wanted to share my friends' business. Add to this, the fact that I've been going through stuff. These last five months have been tough on me and it's made it hard for me to accept that things in my personal life are changing, too.
So, I'm going to be completely honest. I'm not the same person I was a few months ago. Well, I am in the sense that I'm still me, but in terms of how I defined myself... fuck. I don't know where to begin. So much of my identity has always been tied into what I do for a living. Now that I'm "jobless", I don't know how I see myself. And, while I hate to admit it, I don't want to date right now because I don't feel like I'm bringing anything to the table.
In April, things fizzled with the great guy I was seeing and I'm not used to asking for help, so I was spending a lot of time on my own. (Well, apart from the times I played soccer with my friends... but more on that later.) All the while, I was home alone and experiencing the first bouts of actual loneliness.
I've never felt lonely; I revel in being alone! But when you leave your job (and I think this is a side-effect, regardless of the reasons why), it's a very lonely feeling. It was -- in a word -- isolating. I felt like my life was being upended; I felt cornered and terrified; I felt so desperately alone. I also felt frustrated with myself because nothing felt like it was going my way. Ironically, I found a list I wrote back in 2012 that listed all the things I wanted to achieve that year.
Did I check off any of these things?
Nope.
Did I pursue them?
... Kind of.
So, to recap: I felt lonely and disappointed in April. However, despite these feelings of loneliness, May was the actual scary month. I was frozen for most of March and April, so I had to force myself to get crackin' in May, which resulted in insomnia and vertigo; there was a week in May when I slept an average of two hours a night. My mind was racing and I was so restless that I got up one night and baked cookies.
Yep. You read that right: I baked.
That also meant that I rewrote my resume and sent it to potential employers in the wee hours of the night.
In May, I officially had my last day as a NAIT employee and felt terrified because my resume hadn't yielded any results. I felt so discouraged at first, so Rylan suggested I embrace the "funemployed" way of life. Also in May, I took a three-day career planning course. I was so busy with soccer, and job-hunting, and working on my resume that I decided to give up dating and actively focus on finding permanent, part-time work. Part-time because I'm going to go to Guatemala for over a month and want to make sure I can take the time off.
Finding a job proved to be a little difficult. I applied at several retail stores, including H&M, Indigo/Chapters, and Sephora. I started going to job interviews in June (most of them group interviews!) and actually got hired as a temporary summer worker at H&M. Meanwhile, my personal life was a little difficult to navigate, too, because I was home alone (and feeling sad nearly every day -- it's exhausting to emote!) and wanted to help plan an amazing party for Nicole's last bday party in the city. It was, as you can imagine, a little hard to juggle and I felt a little overwhelmed because I still can't ask for help when I need it.
(What is wrong with me...?)
The good thing is, Nicole's party was a huge success, with friends from out of town joining in and with me feeling especially happy that we could host a party for our girl!
I still kept looking for a permanent part-time job because, as you know, I was hired as a temporary summer worker at H&M and I needed permanent employment. Lucky for me, I actually got a job at a small boutique here in the city. That's right: I'm working part-time at a boutique on Whyte Ave., y'all! And, to make matters even more amazing: I pitched my first article idea to a magazine in the city.
*waits for internet's reaction*
Yep.
It's weird and frustrating to me, but it seems that I needed to leave my job in order for me to actively cross those things off my list. The only things I'm not actively checking off are buying my own place and falling in love with someone, but I don't have the energy to work on those.
As terrifying and dizzying as these last five months have been, I feel good. Slightly terrified, but I feel like I did with Him 3:
It's been a hot minute, has it not? The last time I wrote was in May. May: The month everything changed. I left my job, I started job hunting, I decided to go back to school, I decided to quit dating, I had a month-long panic attack that resulted in extreme vertigo, and I decided to actively pursue a career in writing.
See? A lot of changes.
Also: Nicole and Rylan are moving to Germany for two years while she gets her Masters.
Yeah. I kept that to myself. Not for any specific reason, but more because I haven't wanted to share my friends' business. Add to this, the fact that I've been going through stuff. These last five months have been tough on me and it's made it hard for me to accept that things in my personal life are changing, too.
So, I'm going to be completely honest. I'm not the same person I was a few months ago. Well, I am in the sense that I'm still me, but in terms of how I defined myself... fuck. I don't know where to begin. So much of my identity has always been tied into what I do for a living. Now that I'm "jobless", I don't know how I see myself. And, while I hate to admit it, I don't want to date right now because I don't feel like I'm bringing anything to the table.
In April, things fizzled with the great guy I was seeing and I'm not used to asking for help, so I was spending a lot of time on my own. (Well, apart from the times I played soccer with my friends... but more on that later.) All the while, I was home alone and experiencing the first bouts of actual loneliness.
I've never felt lonely; I revel in being alone! But when you leave your job (and I think this is a side-effect, regardless of the reasons why), it's a very lonely feeling. It was -- in a word -- isolating. I felt like my life was being upended; I felt cornered and terrified; I felt so desperately alone. I also felt frustrated with myself because nothing felt like it was going my way. Ironically, I found a list I wrote back in 2012 that listed all the things I wanted to achieve that year.
- Go to Guatemala
- Learn to bake
- Play on a soccer league
- Meet someone and fall in love
- WRITE (professionally)
- Buy my own place
- Get a part-time job
- Save money
Did I check off any of these things?
Nope.
Did I pursue them?
... Kind of.
So, to recap: I felt lonely and disappointed in April. However, despite these feelings of loneliness, May was the actual scary month. I was frozen for most of March and April, so I had to force myself to get crackin' in May, which resulted in insomnia and vertigo; there was a week in May when I slept an average of two hours a night. My mind was racing and I was so restless that I got up one night and baked cookies.
Yep. You read that right: I baked.
That also meant that I rewrote my resume and sent it to potential employers in the wee hours of the night.
In May, I officially had my last day as a NAIT employee and felt terrified because my resume hadn't yielded any results. I felt so discouraged at first, so Rylan suggested I embrace the "funemployed" way of life. Also in May, I took a three-day career planning course. I was so busy with soccer, and job-hunting, and working on my resume that I decided to give up dating and actively focus on finding permanent, part-time work. Part-time because I'm going to go to Guatemala for over a month and want to make sure I can take the time off.
Finding a job proved to be a little difficult. I applied at several retail stores, including H&M, Indigo/Chapters, and Sephora. I started going to job interviews in June (most of them group interviews!) and actually got hired as a temporary summer worker at H&M. Meanwhile, my personal life was a little difficult to navigate, too, because I was home alone (and feeling sad nearly every day -- it's exhausting to emote!) and wanted to help plan an amazing party for Nicole's last bday party in the city. It was, as you can imagine, a little hard to juggle and I felt a little overwhelmed because I still can't ask for help when I need it.
(What is wrong with me...?)
The good thing is, Nicole's party was a huge success, with friends from out of town joining in and with me feeling especially happy that we could host a party for our girl!
I still kept looking for a permanent part-time job because, as you know, I was hired as a temporary summer worker at H&M and I needed permanent employment. Lucky for me, I actually got a job at a small boutique here in the city. That's right: I'm working part-time at a boutique on Whyte Ave., y'all! And, to make matters even more amazing: I pitched my first article idea to a magazine in the city.
*waits for internet's reaction*
Yep.
It's weird and frustrating to me, but it seems that I needed to leave my job in order for me to actively cross those things off my list. The only things I'm not actively checking off are buying my own place and falling in love with someone, but I don't have the energy to work on those.
As terrifying and dizzying as these last five months have been, I feel good. Slightly terrified, but I feel like I did with Him 3:
a weird mix between happy fluttery butterflies swooping in my tummy and a dead weight pressing in my chestIt's kind of magic -- like I'm on the precipice of a huge moment.
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