Random Channel Surfing

I have a hard time letting go. I especially have a hard time letting go of people. That's why my friend breakups are hard to accept. That's why I continue to like and obsess over men from my past even when I've moved on. That's why Hims one through three have entire tags dedicated to them. And I really have to accept that things happen the way they happen for a reason. It's not a bullshit reason; it's reality. And I really need to accept that.

(I think.) Like a ghost or a memory, he's popped back into my life and I'm feeling so unsettled by his reappearance. I don't know what to make of my emotions. My stomach is unsettled, my heart won't stop racing, my head spins. Part of me is elated to know that he is doing well; that he's back in the city; that he's going to school. Part of me is terrified that even though he's reemerged, nothing I do can control what will happen between us. He can still choose not to reciprocate; he can still choose to vamoose out of my life like he did so long ago. (Please don't disappear again.) And it's funny to me because now that he's back and that I want him (and only him) and have my blinders on and my eyes are zeroing in on him (and only him), it's raining men. Men who want me and want to spend time with me (and only me) and I want him (and only him). But, of course, he does not want me, back. My stomach is unsettled. My heart won't stop r