Random Channel Surfing

At least that's according to Greg. I hadn't seen him since late June (he's been busy with his play and I've been busy with finding work), so we met up for dinner and wine at The Common this past week. It was, as it usually is with this insightful dude, a really wonderful evening. He's a few years older than me, so he's been through similar situations with life, work, love--the whole kit and caboodle. He usually "gets" me (which is very fucking important in all my relationships). So, we sat down, ordered our food and wine and I brought him up to speed on my life. I gushed about my upcoming trip, I lamented my exit from the boutique, I explained to him the steps I'm taking to make my freelance career an actuality, and I explained to him how anxious I've been feeling. And, after confiding in him about all the bad shit that's happening in my life, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "This is your rock bottom." A part of m

Me: "Julis, I miss you." Julis: "You miss me? You should come live here." Maybe I should  leave Edmonton.

Q: And realistically, what's the worst that could happen? A: My heart caves in on itself, collapsing from grief and disillusion, never to beat again.

Years from now, when I realize how silly and petty some of the thoughts I have really are, I will realize how foolish and unnecessary the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach really is. Because right now, this anxious, restless feeling that pervades my every thought is a constant critic and its white noise is set on a frequency I can pick up if I listen hard enough. It's telling me how stupid and foolish I am. It's reminding me of every embarrassing, shameful moment to date. It's making my life incredibly hard to enjoy. And, real talk: I don't think I've cried this much in ages. And part of me understands that this has to do with loss and grief and the fact I'm grieving the loss of the community of wonderful people I had at my old job. I didn't think making a career change would feel so... Confusing. I know I made the right choice; staying there would have meant not chasing my dreams or making an effort to change my life. When I realized that the o

Tomorrow is my first day at a francophone temp agency. I never wanted to be without a job for this long, but I didn't want to apply for any longterm positions lest the job interfered with my plans to go to Guatemala. 'Cause this trip? Oh. It's happening. I'm going to fly out on November 7 and I won't be back until December 18. That's 41 days of exploration and (dare I say it?) self-reflection. Whenever I think about this trip, I'm overcome with happy feelings and thoughts. This just goes to show how much I've longed for travel these last months. I'm excited and jittery--in a good way!--and I'm curious to see what happens to my life. Will things feel more centred? Will I have a better sense of what I want out of life? Will I finally grow that spine I've been lacking since infancy? Because I can be brave when I have to be, but that's not my permanent state of being. When it comes to feeling vulnerable and raw, open and exposed, I need

Ever since March, I keep getting this feeling that tells me I ought to be in Montreal. It feels genuine and serious. A premonition. And I will be honest and say that when the prospect of ending my job arose, I felt light and happy because something inside me thought, " Montreal ." Montreal is the dream, the ache, the lighthouse. It's been calling to me since 2008 and its siren call hasn't faded. In fact, it gets louder and louder with each passing day -- a fact that only terrifies me a little. Because... I could do it, you know. I could leave everything: family, friends, newfound dreams. I could leave it all behind and make a future for myself in Montreal. And there's nothing stopping me. Montréal. Je suis toujours amoureuse de toi. 

Things right now are difficult. I'm feeling really stressed out about my current work situation (or lack thereof...) and I'm really feeling overwhelmed by all the changes that are going on around me. I feel... unstable and unsure. Just... Super cranky and out of sorts. And I think that part of this difficulty stems from the fact I've been employed since I was 14. Not having a job feels weird. Like I'm doing something sneaky or unprofessional. It's a weird pressure to place myself under. Why doesn't my life come with an instruction manual?

This is a picture of the last plane ticket I used. It was for my return flight from Frankfurt on December 28, 2015. In 2015, I took a LOT of trips. I flew to Orlando with Tamara, Sean, and Joe. I flew to Vancouver to spend some time with Mel. I flew to St. Louis to visit Cristiane, Brad, Patrick, and Claire. I flew to New York City with Tasha to explore the city. And, finally, I flew to Frankfurt to spend Christmas with the fam. In total, I took 23 flights that year to take me from Point A (YEG) to Point B (my many destinations). Eek. I took a picture of this ticket because I wanted to commemorate it. I wanted to commemorate it because I swore to myself that I wasn't going to fly in 2016.   I made this promise in order to be more conscientious about the environmental strain my many trips was putting on the planet.  Since this flight, I haven't boarded a single plane and, while I've missed flying and exploring, it's been a good break.  Today is Guatemala

I used to think I had good taste in men. After all, I usually fall for guys who are pleasant; earnest in every way. Good guys. (Not to be confused with Nice Guys™.) But upon deep reflection, I have realized that I have yet to meet a truly good man. (For me, that is.) That's not to say that my friends are not good men; hell no. In fact, I'm starting to realize that my male friends may be the only good men I know (apart from my own father). But whenever I meet a potential leading man, I idealize him and ignore the warning signs that point to him not being quite-the-good-man-I've-made-him-out-to-be. In actuality, things go this way: Step 1  I see attractive dude.  Step 2  I sputter when speaking to said attractive dude.  Step 3  I replay our conversation over and over and analyze it to death.  Step 4  I fantasize different scenarios involving said attractive dude.   Step 5  I see attractive dude again.   Step 6  I imagine he's perfect and was

Hello, Internet! It's been a hot minute, has it not? The last time I wrote was in  May . May: The month everything changed. I left my job, I started job hunting, I decided to go back to school, I decided to quit dating, I had a month-long panic attack that resulted in extreme vertigo, and I decided to actively pursue a career in writing. See? A  lot  of changes. Also: Nicole and Rylan are moving to Germany for two years while she gets her Masters. Yeah. I kept that to myself. Not for any specific reason, but more because I haven't wanted to share my friends' business. Add to this, the fact that I've been going through stuff. These last five months have been tough on me and it's made it hard for me to accept that things in my personal life are changing, too. So, I'm going to be completely honest. I'm not the same person I was a few months ago. Well, I  am  in the sense that I'm still me, but in terms of how I defined myself... fuck. I don't

He was pretty fantastic. And that's not me putting him on a pedestal, really. I know I have the tendency of doing so (see: Hims 1 through 3), but I was actually pretty aware of my feelings and actions when it came to him. I say he was fantastic because he was inquisitive, and kind, and understanding, and honest, and considerate, and measured. He was great. Really great. The kind of great that reminds you of what you want in life; the kind of great that makes you impatient and impulsive and (dare I say) ready. He was the kind of guy I've written about in the past . I say "was" because, well, I think things have officially run their course. And while part of me is super sad that this is over before anything really happened, another part of me knew it was inevitable; the same sad ending to the same serial episodic tv series of my life. Heroine meets boy; they flirt; they date; it ends; end scene. And I hate that I didn't want it to end--if this was inevitable, wh

March was kind of a bust, but it did reinforce one thing to me: I have the most supportive, loving, and kind-hearted people in my life. Thank you, family and friends. (I feel that I don't say it often enough.) Now that we're 10 days into April, I'm thinking that 2017 is kind of, sort of, maybe, possibly getting better. (I think.) It's not easy for me to ask for help, but you've all come through for me.  I know you guys don't follow this blog, but I hope you know that everything you've done for me has meant the world to me. I appreciate you all and I thank you for your love and understanding. Thank you.  #MotivationMonday  #IJustNeededAnExcuseToPostThisPictureOfAFlowerHeHe

My heart keeps fluttering. Gentle, soft, tiny little butterfly wings that are telling me something is amiss. Things are changing. I'm changing. So many changes and I don't know whether to celebrate or not. My heart keeps fluttering. It's unsettled, it's afraid, but I don't quite know why.

I have a hard time letting go. I especially have a hard time letting go of people. That's why my friend breakups are hard to accept. That's why I continue to like and obsess over men from my past even when I've moved on. That's why Hims one through three have entire tags dedicated to them. And I really have to accept that things happen the way they happen for a reason. It's not a bullshit reason; it's reality. And I really need to accept that.

(I think.) Like a ghost or a memory, he's popped back into my life and I'm feeling so unsettled by his reappearance. I don't know what to make of my emotions. My stomach is unsettled, my heart won't stop racing, my head spins. Part of me is elated to know that he is doing well; that he's back in the city; that he's going to school. Part of me is terrified that even though he's reemerged, nothing I do can control what will happen between us. He can still choose not to reciprocate; he can still choose to vamoose out of my life like he did so long ago. (Please don't disappear again.) And it's funny to me because now that he's back and that I want him (and only him) and have my blinders on and my eyes are zeroing in on him (and only him), it's raining men. Men who want me and want to spend time with me (and only me) and I want him (and only him). But, of course, he does not want me, back. My stomach is unsettled. My heart won't stop r

Look, I know we're 16 days into 2017, but I really haven't felt like doing anything since forever ago. This year, though, I have to say that I feel like I want to make things happen. I want to see places and invest in my future. And it could be that the current political landscape is the reason; or maybe it's that there's an air of uncertainty and instability at my place of work (don't ask), but the fact remains: I'm optimistic about checking items off my list this year. Yay, me!

Soon.  Soon I'll be flying again. 2016 was the first (and hopefully only) year I remained on solid ground and, I have to say, I've missed seeing new places. I've missed the planning that goes into traveling; I've missed the anticipation. Hell, I've missed the rush of takeoff! But, most of all, I've missed the calm sense of wonder I feel as I fly to my new destination. So here's to 2017 and the trips I will take.