Random Channel Surfing

Today's just one of those days, y'know? Like, you're so happy, you feel like you could laugh and cry... like you could run a mile or fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow. But at the same time, there's this really sad part inside of me that feels so empty and scared and... sad. My sister is engaged. She and her fiancé made it "official" today and I am so elated and I just want to smish her face all day. All she's ever wanted in life is to meet the perfect guy (for her) and make babies. And now her dream seems to be coming true. Honestly, she deserves this happiness and I always want her to smile like she was smiling today and I want to meet my future nieces and nephews and travel to Europe to see them... Oh, right. See? That's the problem. Once they get married, Pily is moving to Germany with her husband. EUROPE. So yeah. I'm beyond selfish. But I'm so scared. No more Pily to hear me bitch and moan about Glee... no more Pily to go fo

I don't feel all that pretty. Ever. My nose is crooked and I think my eyes are too small. The shape of my face is wonky (it's neither circular nor heart-shaped... It's like a blob, really) and my teeth annoy me to no end. But, I know that my perception is my own. When people look at me, they won't see what I see and vice-versa. Oh, perception. Why must you trick us all?

Issues that cause a relationship to fail. I only have one deal breaker. One. Uno. Un. It's a bit judgmental and definitely not nice (not to mention I'm never going to meet a guy in THIS province), but I can't help it. My deal breaker is I could never be with someone who doesn't share my political views. I can't help it, though. My family? We're HYPER-liberal. The way we see it, if a policy or practice will benefit the vast majority, in particular those who are defenseless, then why wouldn't we agree with it? If a guy votes PC (Progressive Conservative) or Conservative, it's an instant turn off. See? Judgmental.

I met a cute boy this weekend. He's really affectionate, and genuine, and ambitious, and humble, and considerate, and funny, and kind, and hardworking, and... wow. I know I romanticize guys upon meeting them (which is why when I fall, I fall fast and hard and the landing normally leads to months spent in an emotional coma, but that's neither here nor there), but I feel as though my impression of him is correct. After all, he's best friends with two of the sweetest, most genuine, most adorable guys I've met in my life. Don't fall for him. Don't fall for him. Don't fall for him.Don't fall for him. Don't fall for him. Don't fall for him.Don't fall for him. Don't fall for him. Don't fall for him.Don't fall for him. Don't fall for him. Don't fall for him. I kinda hate myself right now. Not gonna lie.

She realizes she's in love when she can't forget the feel of his hand brushing hers. The hairs on her arm are literally standing and it looks like her arm is swimming with goosebumps. She's embarrassed that he has this effect on her, but whether he sees it or not, she doesn't know because this sudden realization cripples her. Makes it impossible for her to meet his eyes. "You okay?" She licks her lips, trying to bring some moisture to her parched lips. When did it become hard to swallow? When did it start to feel as though the walls were closing in on her? She finally meets his eyes and nods. He quirks an eyebrow, but chuckles softly. "A'right," he croaks and she realizes this sound is turning her on . It feels wrong. It feels weird. It feels repulsive. And those butterflies infesting her stomach? Yeah, they're not makin' it any better. Why does falling in love fuck everything up?

It had been a long day at university. Too many assignments and too much work to do at his internship... he was swamped. He lugged to his computer and signed on to his university account. He was expecting an email from his Prof concerning his dissertation on the importance of physics in aviation. Sighing, he typed in his information. He rubbed his stomach absentmindedly and enjoyed the calm in the apartment. He smiled a bit, remembering the last time he was home alone. Looking at the computer, he clicked on his inbox. The first thing he saw was her name. He blinked once. Twice. Shook his head and clicked on the name; his heart pounding hard against his chest, making it a bit hard to breathe. Realizing he'd been holding his breath, he forced himself to breahe in and out; the air coming in out in a shaky sigh. Hey, I haven't talked to you in a while. How's life? He could almost hear the way her soft voice hesitated before inquiring after his life. She'd always b

She wishes she could just bring herself to eat. Sitting there among family and friends, she plasters a smile on her face. She hopes that none of them will realize how sad and terrified she feels. One bite... one sip... one savoury morsel of food is enough to ruin her for the day. So, she ignores her watering mouth. Ignores the dull ache in her belly. Ignores the concerned look her father gives her and smiles even wider. She stands, excusing herself. She wishes she could go without food.

The first time she saw him, she was a bundle of nerves. Cliched, yes, but that was exactly how she felt. Like she had been pulled taut... and then released, her body piling together in a heap of nerves. A bundle of nervous energy that could not... would absolutely not... be contained. She literally lost her shit when he threw a smile her way. And, like the stupid, insecure girl she is, she immediately looked down, afraid that the smile that erupted from her lips the moment he smiled at her would give her away. She hated how obvious she was when she was attracted to anybody and she really didn't want to make him uncomfortable. Something about him seemed so welcoming... unjudging... eternal. She shook her head, trying to rid the cheesy thoughts from her head, but once thought, she couldn't un-see the future her overactive imagination wove. She and he married, happy, successful... a white picket fence... 2.5 children and a dog.... cat..... turtle.... a whole zoo! But always toget

Sometimes she wakes up missing him so much it physically hurts. Other times, she doesn't realize she's been thinking of him until she blurts out his name in random conversations. Other times still, she doesn't realize she's missing him until their song comes on the radio or she sees the same model and make of his 1987 Pontiac Sunbird. It's those times that she wishes she didn't have a memory... that she didn't remember the feel of his stubble on her fingertips... or the noises he made while they made love. But it's on the mornings she wakes up with thoughts of him on her mind---when it's almost as though she can breathe his scent and feel the heat of his body next to hers---that she's thankful that she's experienced a love so strong and pure it's ruined her for life. Because if it weren't for the passion his memory stirs in her breast, she doubts she'd be willing to get up every morning. Because whether she likes it or not, she ma

The gentle summer breeze danced into the dark room, rustling the stack of papers she had so carefully piled on her dresser. And as she heard the papers rustle, she waited. Lying in her bed, nervously wrigining the sheet in her hands, she waited. And as she waited, she listened. Listened for any sign that he was coming home that night. That he wasn't avoiding her, their apartment, the "talk". She breathed in deep, filling her lungs to their capacity, until it felt as though they were on fire. She held the breath for a beat, feeling as two tears trickled down each cheek. Releasing the air, counting backwards in her head, she let out a sob in the end, realizing that he wasn't coming home tonight. She turned on her side, facing her wall, burying her head in the pillow. She tried to forget the shame she felt over falling for a man who was "too good for her". How could she have been so stupid? To think that he would ever care for her. To think

I know that days are made up of several moments and events, both good and bad, exciting and meh, so deeming any day as a "good" or "bad" day isn't correct. There's no such thing as a "bad day", but today's series of events make me so aggravated. I just wish I could press reset. Better yet, I wish I didn't care. Or maybe I should wish I wasn't as stubborn as I am. Regardless, today's been SHIT up until this point and I'm fairly certain that it won't get any better. I swear, I've been so fucking emo these past few days that I want to punch myself.

The first time she sees him outside of their apartment, she hides. She can't take seeing him outside of their domain. What would she say? What would he say? Just the sight of him makes the tireless butterflies in her stomach go into overdrive. Their nervous energy accelerating her heart rate, causing her to sweat. So, when she spies his 6'2" frame in the distance, his chestnut hair shining in the bright sun, she tugs at her friend Camille's arm and crouches close to the ground. There's no way he is seeing her out in public. She ignores Camille's glare and incessant nagging, as they crawl through the grass, making their way out of the park and onto the city's complicated metro system. Once they're seated in one of the cars, Camille rounds on her. Quirking an eyebrow in annoyance, she says one word: Spill.

She gets home to the smell of fried fish and potatoes. Another one of his culinary masterpieces. She shuffles down the hall to her room, making sure to avoid their living room. She doesn't need to see him right now and the longer she puts it off, the better she will feel. But as she's crossing past their shared space, she hears him call to her. She stops. She turns around slowly. She forces a smile. He's at her side almost immediately, which throws her off even more. Why doesn't he get that she needs time alone right now? He smiles at her with his eyes alone, giving her the full package; ordinarily, the smoulder would work, but she's too annoyed to let his tricks get to her... too much. She averts her eyes and asks him what's up. Compliments him on the delectable smell that has been teasing her empty stomach. He grins at that and offers to share his meal; they need to talk. She shifts her bag nervously, still not meeting his hazel eyes. She knows this game. Hate

Nicole and I have come to the conclusion that in regards to love, we're in the same boat: neither of us believes in it. I never thought I'd be a jaded, cynical, unromantic person. I mean, I was the girl who fell for guys with a smile or hello . Now? I only believe in love in the realm of fantasy. TV romances, movie love affairs and love in books are all believable and relatable. Real life love? Does it exist. I mean, I no longer think of it as a question... my doubt is almost a certainty. I get that my parents have had a wonderful marriage (thank God), but can people my age find that nowadays? Guys like Dave, who are willing to commit the second they meet the right girl, are rarer than a vegetarian rig pig. Regardless, as unromantic and jaded and cynical as I am, I'm glad to be this way. At least I'm not glaring at the couple, cuddling at the bus stop or cursing at the couple kissing in the theatre. I'm not bitter after all.

No more regretting what you did. He was rude, selfish, cocky and he embarrassed you! So what if you won't get the pleasure of writing the GEs anymore? Who needs them? Trust. You'll be better without them.

Have you ever needed to bawl--to get that feeling that's congesting your chest with foreboding--only to discover that nothing you do (listening to sad music, watching a sad movie, reading/writing sad stories) will induce those much-needed tears? I'm currently facing this. I need to cry, but it's as though my tears are suffering performance anxiety because all I can manage are little pathetic hiccups and breathy whimpers. Normally when I cry , I go all out: that means loss of breath, gasping for air, sighing so deeply that it feels as though my soul will implode. Life, no matter what the circumstance, never turns out as we planned. End.

She glanced around the deserted street, thinking idly about the day she'd had at work. So many projects needed to be finished, but all she'd managed to do all day long was think of her deliciously off-limits roommate. As she climbed up the steep inline on her way to their shared apartment, she couldn't help but entertain the idea that he would be awake, waiting for her. He'd done it in the past, so it wasn't unheard of. Regardless, she knew it was foolish to entertain any fantasies pertaining to all six foot two glory that she shared a shower with. Nearing their building, she could see from the street that he'd left their hallway light on. It was a habit she'd noticed he had. She shook her head at his distraction and made a mental note to tell him about this habit of his the next time they bumped into one another. Climbing each step with the purposefulness of a slug, her ascent to her apartment on the second floor was anything but hurried. She kn

This is a pretty personal blog entry, but here goes. [Besides, this is more therapy than anything, seeing as most of the people that frequent this blog have zero clue as to what I'm talking about.] I feel like I made a huge mistake last week. Sure I was pissed and annoyed and just overwhelmed by all of the drama in my "second-life", but should I have confronted him like that? The more I think about it, the guiltier I feel. I'm not, in any way, shape or form, defending him because he was mostly egotistical and rude and overbearing, but I gave up my writership and, well, I lost a friend. I told him I didn't want to associate with him and while that's true, I can't help but miss squee'ing over the newest pieces of information we've gotten. And adding to that, I feel like one big disloyal traitor... If there's one emotion I hate more than humiliation, it's guilt. Sure this was all born from humiliation (the humiliation that he was s

I tend to be a homebody. I've had the same group of friends since I was 12 (same BEST friend since I was six). I am perceived as a bubbly, caring person. Most people don't realize that I'm shy until they see me around a cute boy (trufax and yes, very pathetic). But right now, seeing that all of my friends are moving out or are getting married or engaged, I feel very alone. Like everyone's crossed the finish line and I'm only on my first lap. It's tiring and I know it has everything to do with the fact that I'm going through yet another quarter-life crisis, but I really can't help it. Life is suffocating me and I need out. Only a few more thousand dollars to go and I can move to Montreal.

I'm a huge geek. Having said that, I'm going to 'fess up to the fact that I'm now involved in forums. Having said THAT, I'm going to admit to the fact that I post frequently in one forum in particular. Now that that's out of the way, I'm going to confess to the fact that I write a weekly "column" of sorts that is quite popular in a certain fandom. We average about 20'000 views per post, which is pretty awesome, considering how big our fandom is. Anyway, I fought with my co-writer and basically quit. Now, he's gone and deleted the entire thread--something that proved I am still capable of writing. I know this makes no sense, but I just wanted to write this out because my heart is literally broken. I know it's stupid, but... what he did hurt. More than I think he even realizes.

I MISS BRISBANE

Scary hostel, deadly mosquitoes and dingoes. Those are a few defining things from the Isa. That and creepy Swedes...

I'm obsessed with mountains. And also trees.

Holding a koala is like holding a sleeping baby. You hold it lightly, as though you're afraid of waking it, but you can't help but feel awestruck by how adorable it is. Koalas are my newest obsession.

Going to Australia has always been a dream of mine. Watching Wicked LIVE has always been one of my "secret hopes". Having realized both of these things...? It feels like I accomplished something life altering. Y'know?

It's been one week, six days and 12 hours since I landed in Australia. It's been fun, but there are times I kind of wish I was somewhere else... A place with cobbled streets, Francophones, +20 Celsius weather and great bagels. I don't know what it is about Montreal, but whenever I'm somewhere having fun, my mind instantly goes back to Montreal. My love for this French-Canadian city possesses me. Le lame.

Okay, seriously brain? You're making me go through this, AGAIN?! I get that I'm not happy where I am in my life right now. Working a 9-5 job EDITING has never been a dream of mine, but I have no reason to feel like what I'm doing is unimportant. As usual, though, when things seem to be at a standstill in my life, I start doubting everything. My friendships, my passions, my ambition and drive. I just wish my magic 8 ball worked and that it foretold of my future successes. Maybe that way I would feel as though I'm actually going somewhere with my life.

I really want a remote control to fast-forward through so many things. I really just need to know that I will achieve what I want in life. Amazing what Tamara's upcoming departure does to my emotions. :P

My friend Kayley is amazing. She is my go-to music girl because the girl has great taste in music, sends me concert information from shows in Edmonton and sends me new tunes. Yay, Kayls! Well, she has a youtube channel where she posts new Glee songs and she recently posted the videos for The Power of Madonna (which is next week's episode). Anyway, Glee has mashed up Borderline and Open Your Heart. *insert fangirl squeal here* I love it! I literally grew up on Madonna and Borderline, OYH and Crazy for You were on constant replay. Tuesday can't come soon enough!

My friend Melissa will be home soon. It's weird, but I'm starting to get cold feet about all of the trips I'm taking this summer. First Australia. Then the UK. I'm getting hyper-cold feet. I don't know how broke I'll be when I come back or if I won't get sick of Tams or Melissa/Elizabeth. Ugh. Me... Funny how often I'm annoyed with myself.

I'm currently "working on" a script. I've written a script in the past, but this one is... difficult. I don't know why, but my thoughts aren't coming out the way I want them to and my characters are boring me. I may have to scrap the whole thing altogether. Lame? Yes. Very. Ah, well. These things happen. Especially when you're not very motivated. hehe.

So, in my hurry to post on Muse, I forgot to mention that I've finally bought my ticket to Oz! :D Hahaha! Yep. I'm officially going to Australia with Tamara and Sean. It will be amaze-buckets. Une autre chose, le "gars" est en traîne de décider s'il va faire un voyage au Costa Rica, à l'Australie ou en Europe. Moi j'espère qu'il n'ira pas à l'Australie.

One word to describe this show: EPIC. Lights + sounds + Matt + Dominick + Chris = E P I C Honestly, I have no other words to express how awed I was during the entire two-hour show. Muse is one of my favourite bands, so seeing them perform LIVE (in Edmonton, no less!), was nothing short of spectacular. From start to finish, Muse was nothing short of surreal. What amazes me most is that these three guys are incredibly humble and gracious. I mean, there they were: the best live performers of my generation, but they seemed humbled by our screams. Gah. Perfection. One more thing, in addition to feeling awed by the trio, t'was interesting that for once in my life, I felt sated after a concert. Most times, I just want to re-live the experience over and over again. This time, I felt complete.

I haven't been to one in MONTHS! Well, five months and 11 days. It was for City and Colour who are (rumoured to be) touring with Tegan and Sara. Thing is, though the twins are coming back to Edmonton, Dallas Green won't grace us with his presence... Instead of City and Colour, Paramore will be comin' to Deadmonton with Tegan and Sara. LAME. Anyway, I'm going to Billy Talent on Monday. It's funny because one of Billy's openers are Alexisonfire (Dallas Green's main band--he only does City and Colour on the side), so I'll get to listen to his LOVELY, wonderful voice then. I took some REALLY bad pictures on October 3, so I thought I'd share 'em :D

And I'm still not all that "wise." So what have I learned this past year in respect to the past, present, future, death, growth, my dreams and life in general? I've learned that I am even MORE romantic than I'd originally thought; that I dream big, but have my feet firmly on the ground; and that I spend more time reveling in the future and analyzing the past to really enjoy the present. My to-do list for the next year is to focus on the here and now. Enjoy being stuck in Deadmonton and keep my sights on Montreal. Sure, it won't be a while until I can move East, but I know I'll get there. As Paulo Coelho says in The Alchemist , "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." It's only a matter of being patient.

Well, no. It's not really "mort", but it is sad. COD? Death by knowledge . Sometimes I am positive that ignorance is bliss. I wish they were still together. My Bedouin.

I'm slowly turning into a bonafide couch potato. It all started with The Office. Then I added Big Bang Theory to my list of shows. Soon after, Tams and I started watching 10 Things I Hate About You. Then, Mel suggested I check out Glee. I caught part of How I Met Your Mother and fell in love. Now that Glee is on break, I'm watching Dexter, Skins (OHMYGODILOVESKINS!) and Life UneXpected. It's a good thing I have a life. *rolls eyes*

My office-mate (who is mega-adorable and a TONNE O'FUN!) has this thing where she's addicted to sites, jumping from one site one week, to another the next. She'll spend a large portion of our break reading stuff she finds out loud. It's fun. She's gone through bouts of addiction to FML, TFLN, FailBlog, LameBook, LOLCats, LOLDogs and now, her current obsession is something I found on Mugglenet (don't judge), GivesMeHope (GMH). Anyway, she's currently also obsessed with planning her trip to Oz... A trip that I will be joining her and her boyfriend for for a full month! Yep. I'm going to Australia and I cannot wait! Then again, I shouldn't hold my breath... I don't want a repeat of last year...

I have a confession. I used to sing. Like, a lot. I wasn't bad at it, but it seemed so unrealistic to me that someone could attain this dream. This secret speaks to me.

As of late, I've been completely addicted to television. It's odd because I went from watching zero TV, to following six seven shows a week. And it's not just that I watch them during the week... no. I've taken to buying entire seasons! I need TV-hab, I guess. Anyway, I guess I can say that I've had more time for lounging in front of the tube because I'm down to one job. That's right; Miss I-Have-Two-Jobs-Because-I-Love-Being-Busy has only one job. SHOCKER. I like working at Nait, don't get me wrong, but I miss the theatre... I miss Mexicana... I so wish Mexicana had never closed here in E-Ville. RIP Mexicana

I often wonder, is hypocrisy merely a cause of self-ignorance or, worse , denial?

There's something about working an 8:00 to 5:00 job that really starts getting to you after a while. As thankful as I am for my job, I feel ready to move far, far away from it all. To go to exotic places and meet a variety of people. I wish that it was simpler. That life was free and that responsibilities were an option, not a burden. Alas, I'm 23 years old and I feel stuck... Again. Are these quarter-life crises ever going to stop?!

So... Happy new year! It's been a while since I wrote last, and even then, I was hardly updating this blog. Quel dommage. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. It's been a while, I know, but I still think of you. I wish I got more news of you, but as it stands, you're busy, I'm busy. Neither of us making time to really... talk. I just want you to know that despite everything, I still think of you often and I miss you. Hope you're doing well and again... Happy birthday.