First Post of the Month... Last Day of the Year
My sisters are both here for the holidays. So is Connie. And my beautifully adorable niece Juliana. But we're missing Patrick, Claire, and Brad and, to be honest, we can feel their absence.
These holidays have been incredible, though! I've spent a ridiculous amount of time with my family and I've been able to snooze as much as I want. It's all felt so good. I'm feeling energized and happy and I just know that 2015 will be worthwhile in that naively innocent way I feel when I'm at the cusp of finishing something big.
And for the first time in months, after arguing with my mom and Mel about the varied reasons I felt the way that I do and after having Tasha reassure me that the way I felt isn't criminal or wrong, I'm hopeful. I'm not angry or frustrated or confused, but hopeful to the point of delusion! And it's wonderful.
These holidays have been incredible, though! I've spent a ridiculous amount of time with my family and I've been able to snooze as much as I want. It's all felt so good. I'm feeling energized and happy and I just know that 2015 will be worthwhile in that naively innocent way I feel when I'm at the cusp of finishing something big.
And for the first time in months, after arguing with my mom and Mel about the varied reasons I felt the way that I do and after having Tasha reassure me that the way I felt isn't criminal or wrong, I'm hopeful. I'm not angry or frustrated or confused, but hopeful to the point of delusion! And it's wonderful.
When I visited Mel in October, I was content in my self-righteous anger, basking in it and breathing it all in. But even as far back as March, I remember the moment I realized that my anger and inability to get over certain events was really holding me back. I was regressing and I realized I was relapsing, so I made a conscious decision to take measures to ensure that I could get past the negative feelings. It's been a few months, but I think I can confidently say that I'm all right.
I now know what I didn't want to admit: That anger was misplaced. I knew that then and I know that now. It was easy to feel angry, when what I truly felt was fear, mixed with the bitter aftertaste of disillusion. I'm really good at being in denial; it's why I've had to fight so hard to be as self-aware as I am. I'd rather stay in denial about the reasons I feel a certain way than readily admit I know the reasons for my varied emotions.
Just last month, Nicole and I were talking about how hard it is to be 100% honest with yourself. It's one thing to be self-aware and honest about yourself on the one hand, but on the other, it's extremely difficult to admit certain things aloud, even when the only person in the room is you.
But now that I've let go of the anger and that I feel as lighthearted and happy as I do, I know that 2015 will be as good as I let it be.
I now know what I didn't want to admit: That anger was misplaced. I knew that then and I know that now. It was easy to feel angry, when what I truly felt was fear, mixed with the bitter aftertaste of disillusion. I'm really good at being in denial; it's why I've had to fight so hard to be as self-aware as I am. I'd rather stay in denial about the reasons I feel a certain way than readily admit I know the reasons for my varied emotions.
Just last month, Nicole and I were talking about how hard it is to be 100% honest with yourself. It's one thing to be self-aware and honest about yourself on the one hand, but on the other, it's extremely difficult to admit certain things aloud, even when the only person in the room is you.
But now that I've let go of the anger and that I feel as lighthearted and happy as I do, I know that 2015 will be as good as I let it be.
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