Random Channel Surfing

And to these songs I have this to say: Ah .

It's an awful realization when you realize that people don't always say what they mean. They may be the most honest person on the planet, but under some misguided attempt to not hurt you, they feed you lies, earnestly believing that they are shielding you from the reality of the situation. And with every poisonous lie you uncover, it's like a fresh puncture wound from a viper's sting. You feel weak, blind, and the poison of these lies courses through your veins; the pain spreading through your body with every thum-thump of your heart. It's an awful realization when you realize that people don't always speak from their hearts. They speak in morse code and you, untrained and ignorant, cannot read between the lines. You can't decipher the meaning behind their words; you blink in confusion with every syllable they utter; every beat, every syllable adding to your confusion. The cacophony of bee-beeps  overwhelming all other senses, overwhelming you until...

I thought my roommate in Montreal was 6'2" perfection. This might not be a surprise to most people who know me in real life, but I've never fully admitted to the feelings I felt for him on this blog. This blog is a public venue, so the things I write on here are the kind of things that I'd tell anyone; they're not embarrassing or revealing. I feel comfortable posting the things that I do because I never divulge too much information. But some things I keep to myself because I feel that they mean too much to me. And that's why I never explicitly admitted the feelings I felt for my roommate on here. To admit on this blog that what I felt for him was intense and overwhelming was a truth I did not want to acknowledge publicly. I felt as though admitting my feelings for him online would somehow break confidence. Would somehow betray  me   and him . I'm a somewhat private person, which is why I shy away from sharing the names of most of the dudes in my life, s...

My sister and niece went back home to Germany yesterday and I've had a sad feeling in my heart ever since. Everywhere I look, I see signs that they were here. Every memento they left is a reminder of their absence. I honestly didn't think that I would miss them this much. Update: I just crawled into bed and found a thank-you card and Toblerone bar from my sister. *cries* I miss her so muh-huh- huuuuuch !

I had a fight with my middle sister today. It wasn't so much a fight, but rather an instance in which a truth she told me -- a truth I'm aware of and repeat to myself on a nightly basis -- hurt. And isn't that the worst? Isn't knowing something -- a truth, a fact -- down to your bones one of the most soul-crushing things in the world?  The truth hurts because it shines a flashlight on a murky part of life, illuminating every dark crevice to show us the ugly creatures that are hell-bent on ruining our realities with their mere existence. The truth hurts and my sister spoke of this truth and boy.  It seared me. I repeat I already knew this truth. Have been aware of it for months. But to know a truth and to have someone else tell you that truth is another thing. Because having someone else voice this reality grounds it; gives it credence; validates it. Because having someone else voice this fact reinforces a certainty you wish you did not know. It's hard for me t...

If you had to choose between a semi-permanent state of indecision and settling on a scary decision, which would you choose? It's been a little under a year since I realized that all my Pollyanna humming and hawing has more to do with my complacency than actual happiness at the state in which I am. It was a really disheartening realization since it made me feel like a phony; how could I believe -- to my very core -- that I was happy with my life, when all I felt was "meh"? So it's been close to a year of soul searching and spending money trying to figure out what I want. It was money well-spent and I feel that I've improved as a person; nothing life altering, of course, but enough for me to realize that I have a lot of room for improvement in my life. And the one thing that sticks out in all my soul-searching and investing in myself is this: I need to make a change. A radical change. My move to Montreal didn't happen in 2012 like I'd planned; I still ...