Not Really A Nightmare

Usually, I dream of people I've seen once in my life. It's random stories not really belonging to me, and only sometimes, do I make a cameo appearance in my own dreams. It's always been this way.

Once, I even watched Disney's The Jungle Book in its entirety as I slept.

My dreams are just... random.

There was a time in my youth when I was boy crazy; every boy, man, dude that crossed my path was carefully regarded and studied. I just really liked looking at them. As creepy as that sounds. So it follows that I would crush on several men in my lifetime. Feel the rush of seeing them, replaying our encounters like a never-ending loop.

But I have fallen in love twice. A product, I'm sure, of my propensity for "boy craziness", combined with my annoying ability to form sentimental attachments to anyone who's open and earnest.

And of those countless crushes and two men whom I've loved, I've only dreamed of one; but the sad thing is, my dreams unsettle me because they shine a light on an aspect of my identity that I really dislike. That I dread. That I wish I didn't have.

My insecurities.

Because these insecurities are as much a part of me; shaping me and hindering me all at once. It's an odd way of looking at them, but it's true. I mean, I am what I am because I hold back or repress or am ashamed of certain aspects of who I am. At the same time, all of that holding back, repressing and shame have made me who I am.

But every time I dream of him, the pedestal on which I've placed him seems higher and imposing; he looks down his nose at me, judging me from on high or, most recently, I can't help but compare myself to the girl he's chosen.

And it hurts. And it unnerves me. But most of all, I obsess over it.

I can't help replaying both dreams; realizing, ashamedly, of course, that I don't like myself enough to give myself a fair chance at love.

Isn't that tragic?

And, I mean, I really, truly don't want another man to love. I want to be simply me. Simply me and loving myself (and my friends and family) above anything else. But I definitely do not want the only "romantic" dreams I dream to be lightly dusted with self-loathing. To leave a bitter aftertaste on my tongue.

I want the "romantic" dreams I dream to give me a feeling of utter elation. To leave me feeling breathless and hopeful and scared (the good kind). All at once. Because that's how he made me feel. I don't like associating him with negativity. It's not fair for him and it's not fair to the sweet memories I will always carry in my head and heart.