Confessional: Who I Am vs Who I Am Not
This week's experiment has taught me that letting go isn't as hard as I'd thought it would be. I can (with hard work and some forethought) condition myself into attributing positive aspects to myself without guilt.
It is necessary to refrain from adding to the never-ending cacophony of negativity that surrounds me. It taught me that any negative thoughts--be it that I'm pathetic, or ridiculous, or dumb--I unconsciously think the moment I do something embarrassing is instinctive.
So what I've learned, really, is that while thinking such negative thoughts about myself is detrimental to my mental state, my emotional well-being, and, yes, especially my self-confidence, all that I readily know about myself is that I'm pathetic, ridiculous, and/or dumb (depending on the circumstance). At least that's what my instinctive reactions would have me believe.
So I've been wondering these past few days, how well do I actually know myself?
I mean, I used to think that I had a fairly good grasp of who I am. Ask me to list off a series of my character traits, and I'd list off the following.
I'm compassionate. I'm kind. I'm cautious. I'm shy. I'm friendly. I'm timid. I'm self-conscious. I'm meticulous. I'm diplomatic. I'm stubborn. I'm prideful. I'm humble. I'm forgiving. I'm trusting. I'm fearful. I'm loyal. I'm ambitious. I'm hyperbolic. I'm optimistic. I'm cynical. I'm obsessive. I'm starry-eyed. I'm dishonest. I'm blunt. I'm honest. I'm sensitive.
Granted, I'm more than just those things; I recognize that our personalities are not just lump sum of our more defined qualities, and I acknowledge that most times our personalities often contradict who we are. Take, for instance, the fact that I'm both honest and dishonest. Those are two different characteristics and yet, I feel as though I'm both.
Now, seeing as I've listed those things I know myself to be (some good, some not-so-good), I'm starting to see that there are parts of me that I've neglected. For years. Out of fear. Out of discomfort. Out of my own personal issues with embracing who I am as a person. And yeah, it was dumb of me to do that. I now realize how ignoring most of the negative aspects of my persona has been detrimental to my growth because I failed to acknowledge my vulnerabilities and desires. And for what, really? Pride? Guilt?
I've tried so hard to understand who I am; my motivations my fears my dreams my shortcomings. But ignoring those aspects of who I am has made it so that I'm a near-stranger to myself. And that's terrifying. Because who I am does not necessarily coincide with who I wish I was.
Someone who's brave.
Someone who has a deeper sense of self.
Someone who embraces all that she is.
I was almost there; self-awareness prepares you for these inner struggles, I think. But pride got in the way.
Pride: My one true vice.
It is necessary to refrain from adding to the never-ending cacophony of negativity that surrounds me. It taught me that any negative thoughts--be it that I'm pathetic, or ridiculous, or dumb--I unconsciously think the moment I do something embarrassing is instinctive.
So what I've learned, really, is that while thinking such negative thoughts about myself is detrimental to my mental state, my emotional well-being, and, yes, especially my self-confidence, all that I readily know about myself is that I'm pathetic, ridiculous, and/or dumb (depending on the circumstance). At least that's what my instinctive reactions would have me believe.
So I've been wondering these past few days, how well do I actually know myself?
I mean, I used to think that I had a fairly good grasp of who I am. Ask me to list off a series of my character traits, and I'd list off the following.
I'm compassionate. I'm kind. I'm cautious. I'm shy. I'm friendly. I'm timid. I'm self-conscious. I'm meticulous. I'm diplomatic. I'm stubborn. I'm prideful. I'm humble. I'm forgiving. I'm trusting. I'm fearful. I'm loyal. I'm ambitious. I'm hyperbolic. I'm optimistic. I'm cynical. I'm obsessive. I'm starry-eyed. I'm dishonest. I'm blunt. I'm honest. I'm sensitive.
Granted, I'm more than just those things; I recognize that our personalities are not just lump sum of our more defined qualities, and I acknowledge that most times our personalities often contradict who we are. Take, for instance, the fact that I'm both honest and dishonest. Those are two different characteristics and yet, I feel as though I'm both.
Now, seeing as I've listed those things I know myself to be (some good, some not-so-good), I'm starting to see that there are parts of me that I've neglected. For years. Out of fear. Out of discomfort. Out of my own personal issues with embracing who I am as a person. And yeah, it was dumb of me to do that. I now realize how ignoring most of the negative aspects of my persona has been detrimental to my growth because I failed to acknowledge my vulnerabilities and desires. And for what, really? Pride? Guilt?
I've tried so hard to understand who I am; my motivations my fears my dreams my shortcomings. But ignoring those aspects of who I am has made it so that I'm a near-stranger to myself. And that's terrifying. Because who I am does not necessarily coincide with who I wish I was.
Someone who's brave.
Someone who has a deeper sense of self.
Someone who embraces all that she is.
I was almost there; self-awareness prepares you for these inner struggles, I think. But pride got in the way.
Pride: My one true vice.
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