About Love and Fear
Gilbert Blythe -- both the physical image of the character I conjured up the first time I read L.M. Montgomery's classic book and the character that the recently deceased Jonathan Crombie brought to life -- has always been my ideal.
I've always looked for my very own Gilbert. In both the book and the adaptations, he's a steadfast friend, lover, husband, father; he's loyal to a fault; he's patient; he's ambitious and intelligent; he's kind and determined; he's compassionate and devoted; he's witty and wry. Basically, he has all the qualities I hope to find in a man.
Physically, Gilbert Blythe shaped who I am attracted to. I often prefer brown haired men. I get lost in hazel eyes. I admire tall men for their poise (despite the fact I insist that I prefer short men).
I've always looked for my very own Gilbert. In both the book and the adaptations, he's a steadfast friend, lover, husband, father; he's loyal to a fault; he's patient; he's ambitious and intelligent; he's kind and determined; he's compassionate and devoted; he's witty and wry. Basically, he has all the qualities I hope to find in a man.
Physically, Gilbert Blythe shaped who I am attracted to. I often prefer brown haired men. I get lost in hazel eyes. I admire tall men for their poise (despite the fact I insist that I prefer short men).
On
Saturday night, just as I was finishing the dinner they served at Chantal and
Ryan's wedding reception, I received a series of texts from Clea. She was
texting to tell me that Jonathan Crombie had passed away. And it struck me how much the Anne series and its characters shaped who I am and the kind of people I let into my life. Because I read the Anne series, I have a clear understanding of my aspirations and dreams, as well as the people I want to share myself with. But, one person is missing still and it hit me that night: How unbearably lonely I feel.
I know that I am not alone. I have a lot of amazing, caring people in my life. My family loves me. My friendships are solid. But... I've never been lucky enough to have someone love me romantically. And I know that that's not a barometer for my self-worth; I know that romantic love is in no way greater than any other kind of love, but I can't help but feel rejected and lonely and sad because I've never been on the receiving end of this kind of love.
Earlier this year, I promised myself that I would be brutally honest about the things I want. So I'm stating it here in plain text: I want to feel loved and wanted and needed and depended on. I want someone who will want me as much and as determinedly as I want them. I want someone who is my friend, my confidante, and my equal. But I don't know how to go about getting this. I tried online dating and hated it. I don't meet too many new people. I don't have the confidence to just go up to someone I find cute or interesting and ask them out. I'm at a loss.
And, what's worse, I spilled all these beans on Nicole and Rylan's laps. I bawled on Saturday night over the fact that some (albeit cute and intelligent) dude didn't acknowledge me and that dredged up some fairly nasty and insecure feelings and thoughts. Thoughts that, despite going against the promises I made to myself earlier this year, have wormed their way into my psyche and have made me question everything from my friendships to my self-worth.
So, following said "incident", I'm thinking of going to therapy again. I need to do something or else I'm going to stay in this stage--I'm going to continue hopingwishingpraying that someone will come along, but I will either:
a) be too blind to recognize what they want or
b) be too afraid to do anything about it.
I need to realize that I do deserve love in all its shapes and forms, but I need help realizing it. Therapy will (I hope) provide that moment of clarity. And if it doesn't, well... I can at least say that I tried.
I know that I am not alone. I have a lot of amazing, caring people in my life. My family loves me. My friendships are solid. But... I've never been lucky enough to have someone love me romantically. And I know that that's not a barometer for my self-worth; I know that romantic love is in no way greater than any other kind of love, but I can't help but feel rejected and lonely and sad because I've never been on the receiving end of this kind of love.
Earlier this year, I promised myself that I would be brutally honest about the things I want. So I'm stating it here in plain text: I want to feel loved and wanted and needed and depended on. I want someone who will want me as much and as determinedly as I want them. I want someone who is my friend, my confidante, and my equal. But I don't know how to go about getting this. I tried online dating and hated it. I don't meet too many new people. I don't have the confidence to just go up to someone I find cute or interesting and ask them out. I'm at a loss.
And, what's worse, I spilled all these beans on Nicole and Rylan's laps. I bawled on Saturday night over the fact that some (albeit cute and intelligent) dude didn't acknowledge me and that dredged up some fairly nasty and insecure feelings and thoughts. Thoughts that, despite going against the promises I made to myself earlier this year, have wormed their way into my psyche and have made me question everything from my friendships to my self-worth.
So, following said "incident", I'm thinking of going to therapy again. I need to do something or else I'm going to stay in this stage--I'm going to continue hopingwishingpraying that someone will come along, but I will either:
a) be too blind to recognize what they want or
b) be too afraid to do anything about it.
I need to realize that I do deserve love in all its shapes and forms, but I need help realizing it. Therapy will (I hope) provide that moment of clarity. And if it doesn't, well... I can at least say that I tried.
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