Perspective on my emotional hide and seek.
Most years we quietly celebrate Jenn's birthday; it's just us seven, we have some dinner, and then we go home.
For her birthday this year, she asked one of her fellow nurses, Milly, to read our handwriting and interpret our personalities. Milly's interpretation of me was not that far off-base; she inferred that I'm reserved, prideful, loyal, hard-working, stubborn, and creative --- but she also told me that I can come off as "cold".
Now, it's interesting to me that what stuck with me most is the fact she called me cold. Not the fact she correctly guessed that I like to feel people out before baring my thoughts to them. Not the fact she told me I'm creative, but am wasting my talents. Nope. What affected me most about her reading is that I can come off as cold to certain people.
I've been called so many things in my life (haven't we all?), but the things I've been called in the past have always had a more... well, a positive spin. I've been called bubbly, effervescent, smiley, cheerful, nice --- never cold. Cold is so adverse to what I usually feel; it's never an emotion I feel towards anyone and having this woman tell me that my guarded actions make me come off as cold was a shock.
I know I'm guarded; most times whatever emotion I'm feeling (or whatever thought crosses my mind) obnoxiously shows on my face if I'm not careful. This is why I've learned to keep my expression pleasant and open; have learned to keep whatever murkier feelings I have, hidden. But I use overt friendliness to mask those feelings.
And yes, I know that Milly doesn't know the real me. I know she was merely interpreting my personality via my handwriting, but so much of what she told me was accurate that I can't help but wonder: Do I come off as cold? I've never considered this until now; until now, I've always been careful not to show people how much I care for them because the enormity of my feelings is so overwhelming to me, that it scares me to think what they'd think if I were to be as obvious as I could be. But is my holding back coming off as cold?
It's times like this I wish I could ask people these questions that leave me feeling vulnerable.
For her birthday this year, she asked one of her fellow nurses, Milly, to read our handwriting and interpret our personalities. Milly's interpretation of me was not that far off-base; she inferred that I'm reserved, prideful, loyal, hard-working, stubborn, and creative --- but she also told me that I can come off as "cold".
Now, it's interesting to me that what stuck with me most is the fact she called me cold. Not the fact she correctly guessed that I like to feel people out before baring my thoughts to them. Not the fact she told me I'm creative, but am wasting my talents. Nope. What affected me most about her reading is that I can come off as cold to certain people.
I've been called so many things in my life (haven't we all?), but the things I've been called in the past have always had a more... well, a positive spin. I've been called bubbly, effervescent, smiley, cheerful, nice --- never cold. Cold is so adverse to what I usually feel; it's never an emotion I feel towards anyone and having this woman tell me that my guarded actions make me come off as cold was a shock.
I know I'm guarded; most times whatever emotion I'm feeling (or whatever thought crosses my mind) obnoxiously shows on my face if I'm not careful. This is why I've learned to keep my expression pleasant and open; have learned to keep whatever murkier feelings I have, hidden. But I use overt friendliness to mask those feelings.
And yes, I know that Milly doesn't know the real me. I know she was merely interpreting my personality via my handwriting, but so much of what she told me was accurate that I can't help but wonder: Do I come off as cold? I've never considered this until now; until now, I've always been careful not to show people how much I care for them because the enormity of my feelings is so overwhelming to me, that it scares me to think what they'd think if I were to be as obvious as I could be. But is my holding back coming off as cold?
It's times like this I wish I could ask people these questions that leave me feeling vulnerable.
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