The One Where I Realize I Might Have A Relapse...
So I've decided that I'm not going to Guatemala this year. I know I hadn't announced it on here, but for my own sake, I am doing it now. And there's several reasons why going now wouldn't be a good thing for me: I want to buy my own place, so I want to save up; I want to take shorter trips to visit family and friends; I wanted to go to Guatemala for an extended period and I hadn't really made any plans to go this year; and, most importantly, going back to Guatemala could lead to a relapse of my eating fears.
Let's face it, as much as I love my family, they're wont to make comments on my body and size and it's often led to me doing one of two things:
And I'm terrified.
Today I'm wearing a grey dress that I bought six years ago when I did my internships in Montreal and it's baggy and slightly unflattering. I love this dress and I'm shocked to find that clothes that fit me quite snuggly years ago, are now loose-fitting. I know, I know; I was in Montreal in 2008--that was years ago, but the fear is still there. I mean, did I lose this weight healthily? Or did I sub-consciously obsess over my size? Part of me knows it's half-and-half.
When I first moved to Montreal, I was happy. I had dreams and aspirations and was eating a healthy diet. I'll admit that when my heart broke upon coming back to Edmonton, I gained a lot of weight. I went from a size 6 to a size 12 and didn't really care, except that I did. I felt self-conscious and awkward and part of this was the reason I avoided social activities with Janis, Jenn, and Nicole. I didn't want to meet new people because I wasn't happy or comfortable with myself. I didn't notice anyone romantically because I didn't want to get involved with anyone. Then, in 2012, the weight started to disappear and it so happened that I met someone cute, smart, fun, and interested in me. Now, to be honest, I'm not sure that I would have gotten a crush on this guy had I not felt better about the slight weight loss, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have even noticed him if I hadn't.
Fast-forward a few months and I'm slightly thinner because whenever I like anyone, my weight fluctuates (you can read about this here). So I'm thinner and no longer interested in the guy because of his obsession with counting calories and, even with my own obsession, I know that being with someone who counts calories and obsessively works out is not a healthy match for me.
And yet... the pounds continued to drop.
And drop.
And drop.
And drop.
I lost so much weight that old bosses, friends' moms, and even some coworkers felt compelled to comment on my weight. And while I've maintained a healthy weight since the end of 2012 -- I didn't lose or gain any more pounds -- ever since I went to see a therapist late in 2013, I still worry that I'll have a relapse. Because my fear of eating is linked to a lot of things: romantic attachments, self-esteem, control issues, body image, and fluctuating moods. Going to Guatemala, while a wonderful idea, would make me question my self-worth and would likely lead to a full-blown eating disorder. I know I'm going to need to be emotionally and psychologically prepared for a trip south and I also know that right now is not the time for it.
So until I can make it there, I'll be planning more mini-trips and working on me. Me deserves it.
Let's face it, as much as I love my family, they're wont to make comments on my body and size and it's often led to me doing one of two things:
- I binge-eat and gain weight or
- I stop eating.
And I'm terrified.
Today I'm wearing a grey dress that I bought six years ago when I did my internships in Montreal and it's baggy and slightly unflattering. I love this dress and I'm shocked to find that clothes that fit me quite snuggly years ago, are now loose-fitting. I know, I know; I was in Montreal in 2008--that was years ago, but the fear is still there. I mean, did I lose this weight healthily? Or did I sub-consciously obsess over my size? Part of me knows it's half-and-half.
When I first moved to Montreal, I was happy. I had dreams and aspirations and was eating a healthy diet. I'll admit that when my heart broke upon coming back to Edmonton, I gained a lot of weight. I went from a size 6 to a size 12 and didn't really care, except that I did. I felt self-conscious and awkward and part of this was the reason I avoided social activities with Janis, Jenn, and Nicole. I didn't want to meet new people because I wasn't happy or comfortable with myself. I didn't notice anyone romantically because I didn't want to get involved with anyone. Then, in 2012, the weight started to disappear and it so happened that I met someone cute, smart, fun, and interested in me. Now, to be honest, I'm not sure that I would have gotten a crush on this guy had I not felt better about the slight weight loss, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have even noticed him if I hadn't.
Fast-forward a few months and I'm slightly thinner because whenever I like anyone, my weight fluctuates (you can read about this here). So I'm thinner and no longer interested in the guy because of his obsession with counting calories and, even with my own obsession, I know that being with someone who counts calories and obsessively works out is not a healthy match for me.
And yet... the pounds continued to drop.
And drop.
And drop.
And drop.
I lost so much weight that old bosses, friends' moms, and even some coworkers felt compelled to comment on my weight. And while I've maintained a healthy weight since the end of 2012 -- I didn't lose or gain any more pounds -- ever since I went to see a therapist late in 2013, I still worry that I'll have a relapse. Because my fear of eating is linked to a lot of things: romantic attachments, self-esteem, control issues, body image, and fluctuating moods. Going to Guatemala, while a wonderful idea, would make me question my self-worth and would likely lead to a full-blown eating disorder. I know I'm going to need to be emotionally and psychologically prepared for a trip south and I also know that right now is not the time for it.
So until I can make it there, I'll be planning more mini-trips and working on me. Me deserves it.
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