So, I Think I Hit Rock Bottom?
At least that's according to Greg.
I hadn't seen him since late June (he's been busy with his play and I've been busy with finding work), so we met up for dinner and wine at The Common this past week. It was, as it usually is with this insightful dude, a really wonderful evening. He's a few years older than me, so he's been through similar situations with life, work, love--the whole kit and caboodle. He usually "gets" me (which is very fucking important in all my relationships).
So, we sat down, ordered our food and wine and I brought him up to speed on my life. I gushed about my upcoming trip, I lamented my exit from the boutique, I explained to him the steps I'm taking to make my freelance career an actuality, and I explained to him how anxious I've been feeling. And, after confiding in him about all the bad shit that's happening in my life, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "This is your rock bottom."
A part of me hesitates to label it as such--my life really doesn't seem that bad!--but I get what he means. Everything kind of fell apart in March and I've slowly been rebuilding since then. Slowwwly. Like, I'm at worm speed. And, real talk: Every part of my life has gone ka-boom.
Mentally, I feel like I'm going insane. I'm constantly shaking; I'm second-guessing even the most basic things; I'm starting to count my calories again; I cry nonstop. It has been, in a word, exhausting. The only positives in all of this is that I'm not getting migraines or dizzy spells, but I think that's more due to the fact that I'm staying hydrated.
Everything feels like it's been turned inside out, which puts me at a weird disadvantage. Hell, I feel like I'm back at square one; precisely the way I felt when I graduated from university. It's an uncomfortable feeling, especially when you consider the fact that everyone in my friend circle is leaps and bounds ahead of me. I feel stuck and making progress seems like a foreign concept to me. It's like I'm in quicksand and no matter how hard I try to pull myself out, I'm "stuck".
I'm very grateful to myself that I made an appointment to see a counsellor on Wednesday. I really should have gone to see a counsellor in March, but I've had other priorities these last few months. I'm looking forward to it, too, because my self-esteem is really lacking. I am finding it hard to be kind to myself once more and, while I know that's pretty standard, I should cut it out. Especially because I should be more compassionate and understanding, given the circumstances. (Honestly, why is it so easy to be kind and understanding with everyone, but myself?)
I feel that realizing (or admitting) that I'm in my "Rock Bottom" is step one to fixing shit. Because, let's be real: I knew that shit has been off for a few months--well, I've known it for years, really. But it's been easy to ignore my mental health because I kept prioritizing other things. But, I'm optimistic that this is a step in the right direction. Because even though I'm "stuck", the only way to get unstuck is to try to move.
Right?
I hadn't seen him since late June (he's been busy with his play and I've been busy with finding work), so we met up for dinner and wine at The Common this past week. It was, as it usually is with this insightful dude, a really wonderful evening. He's a few years older than me, so he's been through similar situations with life, work, love--the whole kit and caboodle. He usually "gets" me (which is very fucking important in all my relationships).
So, we sat down, ordered our food and wine and I brought him up to speed on my life. I gushed about my upcoming trip, I lamented my exit from the boutique, I explained to him the steps I'm taking to make my freelance career an actuality, and I explained to him how anxious I've been feeling. And, after confiding in him about all the bad shit that's happening in my life, he looked me straight in the eye and said, "This is your rock bottom."
A part of me hesitates to label it as such--my life really doesn't seem that bad!--but I get what he means. Everything kind of fell apart in March and I've slowly been rebuilding since then. Slowwwly. Like, I'm at worm speed. And, real talk: Every part of my life has gone ka-boom.
Mentally, I feel like I'm going insane. I'm constantly shaking; I'm second-guessing even the most basic things; I'm starting to count my calories again; I cry nonstop. It has been, in a word, exhausting. The only positives in all of this is that I'm not getting migraines or dizzy spells, but I think that's more due to the fact that I'm staying hydrated.
Everything feels like it's been turned inside out, which puts me at a weird disadvantage. Hell, I feel like I'm back at square one; precisely the way I felt when I graduated from university. It's an uncomfortable feeling, especially when you consider the fact that everyone in my friend circle is leaps and bounds ahead of me. I feel stuck and making progress seems like a foreign concept to me. It's like I'm in quicksand and no matter how hard I try to pull myself out, I'm "stuck".
I'm very grateful to myself that I made an appointment to see a counsellor on Wednesday. I really should have gone to see a counsellor in March, but I've had other priorities these last few months. I'm looking forward to it, too, because my self-esteem is really lacking. I am finding it hard to be kind to myself once more and, while I know that's pretty standard, I should cut it out. Especially because I should be more compassionate and understanding, given the circumstances. (Honestly, why is it so easy to be kind and understanding with everyone, but myself?)
I feel that realizing (or admitting) that I'm in my "Rock Bottom" is step one to fixing shit. Because, let's be real: I knew that shit has been off for a few months--well, I've known it for years, really. But it's been easy to ignore my mental health because I kept prioritizing other things. But, I'm optimistic that this is a step in the right direction. Because even though I'm "stuck", the only way to get unstuck is to try to move.
Right?
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