Years from now, when I realize how silly and petty some of the thoughts I have really are, I will realize how foolish and unnecessary the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach really is. Because right now, this anxious, restless feeling that pervades my every thought is a constant critic and its white noise is set on a frequency I can pick up if I listen hard enough.
It's telling me how stupid and foolish I am. It's reminding me of every embarrassing, shameful moment to date. It's making my life incredibly hard to enjoy. And, real talk: I don't think I've cried this much in ages.
And part of me understands that this has to do with loss and grief and the fact I'm grieving the loss of the community of wonderful people I had at my old job. I didn't think making a career change would feel so... Confusing.
I know I made the right choice; staying there would have meant not chasing my dreams or making an effort to change my life. When I realized that the only choice I had was to leave, I felt exhilarated and excited (though part of me was terrified). But I don't know who I am anymore--I've always tied my identity with what I do and am in this society. I'm restless and frustrated and tired. Did I mention I haven't cried this much in ages? Did I mention how mentally, physically, emotionally
it is to cry as much as I have? 'Cause it is. I'm sick and tired of feeling sad and restless. And yet, I know this is going to pass. I know I'll come out of this with a better understanding of myself and the things I need in my life. I just wish I was already there.
It's telling me how stupid and foolish I am. It's reminding me of every embarrassing, shameful moment to date. It's making my life incredibly hard to enjoy. And, real talk: I don't think I've cried this much in ages.
And part of me understands that this has to do with loss and grief and the fact I'm grieving the loss of the community of wonderful people I had at my old job. I didn't think making a career change would feel so... Confusing.
I know I made the right choice; staying there would have meant not chasing my dreams or making an effort to change my life. When I realized that the only choice I had was to leave, I felt exhilarated and excited (though part of me was terrified). But I don't know who I am anymore--I've always tied my identity with what I do and am in this society. I'm restless and frustrated and tired. Did I mention I haven't cried this much in ages? Did I mention how mentally, physically, emotionally
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it is to cry as much as I have? 'Cause it is. I'm sick and tired of feeling sad and restless. And yet, I know this is going to pass. I know I'll come out of this with a better understanding of myself and the things I need in my life. I just wish I was already there.
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