Mars the Temp
Tomorrow is my first day at a francophone temp agency.
I never wanted to be without a job for this long, but I didn't want to apply for any longterm positions lest the job interfered with my plans to go to Guatemala. 'Cause this trip? Oh. It's happening. I'm going to fly out on November 7 and I won't be back until December 18. That's 41 days of exploration and (dare I say it?) self-reflection.
Whenever I think about this trip, I'm overcome with happy feelings and thoughts. This just goes to show how much I've longed for travel these last months. I'm excited and jittery--in a good way!--and I'm curious to see what happens to my life. Will things feel more centred? Will I have a better sense of what I want out of life? Will I finally grow that spine I've been lacking since infancy? Because I can be brave when I have to be, but that's not my permanent state of being.
When it comes to feeling vulnerable and raw, open and exposed, I need someone to show me their underbelly first. I don't like having people see so deep inside me; in fact, I'd go as far as saying that I hate it. But... under the right circumstances, for the right person, I know I could do it. I know I would willingly slice myself open, lay it all on the line in one naked, raw heap. I sometimes think I've found him, but then that fear of vulnerability comes back and I retract within myself--too afraid for him to see me as I am, no matter how much I want him to see me. It's a constant war inside of me. To be seen or not to be seen. That is my lifelong question.
I have this ridiculous belief--nay. I have this belief (I really should stop being such a bully to myself), that this trip will help me learn to take heart. It will arm me with the inner strength and courage to go after what I want with gusto and love. Because if there's one thing that being completely alone teaches anyone, it's that you have no one to impress. Here's hoping that lesson sticks.
So, here's to tomorrow: The first day of the rest of my life. May this temporary job placement be a beautiful layover on my life journey.
(God. I'm so fucking cheesy.)
I never wanted to be without a job for this long, but I didn't want to apply for any longterm positions lest the job interfered with my plans to go to Guatemala. 'Cause this trip? Oh. It's happening. I'm going to fly out on November 7 and I won't be back until December 18. That's 41 days of exploration and (dare I say it?) self-reflection.
Whenever I think about this trip, I'm overcome with happy feelings and thoughts. This just goes to show how much I've longed for travel these last months. I'm excited and jittery--in a good way!--and I'm curious to see what happens to my life. Will things feel more centred? Will I have a better sense of what I want out of life? Will I finally grow that spine I've been lacking since infancy? Because I can be brave when I have to be, but that's not my permanent state of being.
When it comes to feeling vulnerable and raw, open and exposed, I need someone to show me their underbelly first. I don't like having people see so deep inside me; in fact, I'd go as far as saying that I hate it. But... under the right circumstances, for the right person, I know I could do it. I know I would willingly slice myself open, lay it all on the line in one naked, raw heap. I sometimes think I've found him, but then that fear of vulnerability comes back and I retract within myself--too afraid for him to see me as I am, no matter how much I want him to see me. It's a constant war inside of me. To be seen or not to be seen. That is my lifelong question.
I have this ridiculous belief--nay. I have this belief (I really should stop being such a bully to myself), that this trip will help me learn to take heart. It will arm me with the inner strength and courage to go after what I want with gusto and love. Because if there's one thing that being completely alone teaches anyone, it's that you have no one to impress. Here's hoping that lesson sticks.
So, here's to tomorrow: The first day of the rest of my life. May this temporary job placement be a beautiful layover on my life journey.
(God. I'm so fucking cheesy.)
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