Pathetic. Just... pathetic.
I'm haunted by my break-up with one particular friend.
She was the first person who reached out to me my first day of grade five at Frère Antoine. She introduced me to her friends, her little brothers, and made me feel welcome. I hadn't wanted to leave Father Leo Green, so meeting someone on my first day, and connecting with her the way I did, made me feel less-panicky about leaving my friends at FLG.
I sometimes dream about her still. Stupid, boring dreams in which we're out shopping, or merely hanging out. I think it's my brain's way of coping with the fact I no longer have her in my life. A way of living out the fantasy that I'm still friends with her.
Sometimes I have angry dreams; my heart's racing and I feel really angry and agitated when I wake up. On those mornings I know that my dream had more to do with my frustrations at being unable to maintain a friendship with someone who meant more to me than I meant to her.
A few weeks ago, I told Janis, Nix and Jenn that I was over that friend. And here I am, weeks later, writing a blog entry on how much I miss her still.
I worry about other friends abandoning me. Years after she decided to stop returning texts or calls, she still doesn't reply to my messages on facebook past the friendly chatter of "catching up." And maybe that's all the friendship she wants to give me. Maybe all she wants is for us to be acquaintances and I should learn to respect her wishes and act accordingly.
Maybe
maybe
maybe
I just wish I didn't care anymore. I thought I was past caring about this particular chapter in my life, but last night's dream stirred up all those feelings again. It's made me realize that I can't control how I feel and I can't control my relationships. And it sucks 'cause friend break-ups hurt.
I don't think I could handle another friend dumping me. And, as sad as this is gonna sound, I am used to romantic rejection; I know that I'm not every guy's cup of tea. But to have your friendship thrown in your face is painful. I believe it's mostly 'cause a romantic rejection is more of a reflection on your outward self, while a platonic rejection speaks to your interior. To have someone choose to NOT accept your friendship, is to get a failing grade on your personality. And that... that is pain.
I pride myself on being friendly and loyal and kindhearted and genuine and accepting. I know I am a good person. I also know I'm short, kinda chubby, and not all that cute. (Note: These are not interconnected, in my opinion. I just wanted to emphasize that I'm not society's beauty ideal.) Not every dude I find attractive will want to date me. But why wouldn't someone want my friendship?
Or, maybe, I'm not as good a person as I'd thought.
Hmmmmmm...
Maybe I'm a super shitty friend and she was the first one who got that. Maybe she's the first friend break-up of many. Or, as this post has demonstrated to me, I'm super shallow and she saw that.
Food for thought.
She was the first person who reached out to me my first day of grade five at Frère Antoine. She introduced me to her friends, her little brothers, and made me feel welcome. I hadn't wanted to leave Father Leo Green, so meeting someone on my first day, and connecting with her the way I did, made me feel less-panicky about leaving my friends at FLG.
I sometimes dream about her still. Stupid, boring dreams in which we're out shopping, or merely hanging out. I think it's my brain's way of coping with the fact I no longer have her in my life. A way of living out the fantasy that I'm still friends with her.
Sometimes I have angry dreams; my heart's racing and I feel really angry and agitated when I wake up. On those mornings I know that my dream had more to do with my frustrations at being unable to maintain a friendship with someone who meant more to me than I meant to her.
A few weeks ago, I told Janis, Nix and Jenn that I was over that friend. And here I am, weeks later, writing a blog entry on how much I miss her still.
I worry about other friends abandoning me. Years after she decided to stop returning texts or calls, she still doesn't reply to my messages on facebook past the friendly chatter of "catching up." And maybe that's all the friendship she wants to give me. Maybe all she wants is for us to be acquaintances and I should learn to respect her wishes and act accordingly.
Maybe
maybe
maybe
I just wish I didn't care anymore. I thought I was past caring about this particular chapter in my life, but last night's dream stirred up all those feelings again. It's made me realize that I can't control how I feel and I can't control my relationships. And it sucks 'cause friend break-ups hurt.
I don't think I could handle another friend dumping me. And, as sad as this is gonna sound, I am used to romantic rejection; I know that I'm not every guy's cup of tea. But to have your friendship thrown in your face is painful. I believe it's mostly 'cause a romantic rejection is more of a reflection on your outward self, while a platonic rejection speaks to your interior. To have someone choose to NOT accept your friendship, is to get a failing grade on your personality. And that... that is pain.
I pride myself on being friendly and loyal and kindhearted and genuine and accepting. I know I am a good person. I also know I'm short, kinda chubby, and not all that cute. (Note: These are not interconnected, in my opinion. I just wanted to emphasize that I'm not society's beauty ideal.) Not every dude I find attractive will want to date me. But why wouldn't someone want my friendship?
Or, maybe, I'm not as good a person as I'd thought.
Hmmmmmm...
Maybe I'm a super shitty friend and she was the first one who got that. Maybe she's the first friend break-up of many. Or, as this post has demonstrated to me, I'm super shallow and she saw that.
Food for thought.
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