The One Where I Can't Form Healthy Attachments to People Because I'm Emotionally Stunted (Probably)
I'm currently in another one of those one-sided infatuations and it sucks. Honestly.
It used to be that I used to live for the rush of liking unattainable people because it was nice to like them from afar. After all, liking someone from afar means that I'm safe; safe from rejection, safe from heartache, safe from forming actual attachments to them. I like safe. Safe is good.
But now, for once in my life, I wish I could like someone who wants me too. For once, I'm wondering aloud, why can't I like someone who's single or someone I've exchanged more than a handful of awkward sentences with? I'm bemoaning, why can't I notice someone who's non-famous or knows I exist?
Why can't I why can't I?
And yeah. I'm fairly self-aware and know that I hate admitting when I'm interested in dating someone. And I don't just mean admitting that I find a person attractive, or gathering the courage to ask them out for coffee, or plucking the strength to ask a friend to introduce me to their friend. (I hate all those, too.) What I mean is actually admitting that I can see myself with him; admitting that I care for him as more than a friend; admitting that spending time with him makes me happier than I've felt in a long time; admitting that I want something a few steps away from friendship. You know? Admitting these things makes me feel anxious and insecure and, well, naked. Exposed, like someone who's caught mid-change in the change room, grappling to gather her clothes around her naked form as she desperately tries to hide her bits.
So. Yeah.
And I know the source of my discomfort... it's a little embarrassing to admit to my shortsightedness, but I'll do it: I'm chicken. Actual "bawk, bawk", wing flapping, chicken. An actual coward when it comes to that four letter word. So I often find myself drawn to people who are (emotionally/physically) unavailable. I usually find myself hoping, wishing, praying that I like people who have shown an interest in me, but the fact is, I only like people who will never, ever, ever reciprocate my feelings. It's safe for me that way. I can imagine our relationship from start to end without having to put my heart on the line. It's cowardly, but when have I ever said I was brave?
It used to be that I used to live for the rush of liking unattainable people because it was nice to like them from afar. After all, liking someone from afar means that I'm safe; safe from rejection, safe from heartache, safe from forming actual attachments to them. I like safe. Safe is good.
But now, for once in my life, I wish I could like someone who wants me too. For once, I'm wondering aloud, why can't I like someone who's single or someone I've exchanged more than a handful of awkward sentences with? I'm bemoaning, why can't I notice someone who's non-famous or knows I exist?
Why can't I why can't I?
And yeah. I'm fairly self-aware and know that I hate admitting when I'm interested in dating someone. And I don't just mean admitting that I find a person attractive, or gathering the courage to ask them out for coffee, or plucking the strength to ask a friend to introduce me to their friend. (I hate all those, too.) What I mean is actually admitting that I can see myself with him; admitting that I care for him as more than a friend; admitting that spending time with him makes me happier than I've felt in a long time; admitting that I want something a few steps away from friendship. You know? Admitting these things makes me feel anxious and insecure and, well, naked. Exposed, like someone who's caught mid-change in the change room, grappling to gather her clothes around her naked form as she desperately tries to hide her bits.
So. Yeah.
And I know the source of my discomfort... it's a little embarrassing to admit to my shortsightedness, but I'll do it: I'm chicken. Actual "bawk, bawk", wing flapping, chicken. An actual coward when it comes to that four letter word. So I often find myself drawn to people who are (emotionally/physically) unavailable. I usually find myself hoping, wishing, praying that I like people who have shown an interest in me, but the fact is, I only like people who will never, ever, ever reciprocate my feelings. It's safe for me that way. I can imagine our relationship from start to end without having to put my heart on the line. It's cowardly, but when have I ever said I was brave?
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