I had an awful dream last night.

And it wasn't awful because it was nightmarish and terrifying. And it wasn't awful because I woke with a start after dreaming that I fell off a cliff or off my surfboard.

It was awful because I keep remembering certain details of the dream; details that remind me that I'm still as insecure and terrified as I was four years ago; details that remind me that I'm not as over someone as I thought I was (like I need the reminder... I really, really don't). I'm still infatuated and I don't know what to do.

My dreams never used to relate to me, personally. I'd dream every night and wake up with the memory of other people living their lives--other people; people I'd never even met. But when I became infatuated with this last man, my dreams were equally infatuated with him. I couldn't escape him and I didn't mind that. Until now, that is.

I'm just so tired of fixating on people and never having these dreams materialize in real life. I'm one year closer to 30 and nowhere near close to meeting and romantically connecting with someone who will choose me 100 times out of 100. And I know that I have a full, happy life, but dreams like the one I had last night are reminders that a very big, very lonely part of me is wanting.

I don't like it.